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“You can only ever be where you are. Where you are mentally has nothing to do with where you are physically. Where you are mentally and physically have nothing to do with where you want to be in your heart, and then again, they have nothing to do with where you are in your heart.”
These operating places are all happening at the same time; dreams, illusions, wishes, intentions, intent, expectations, and promises while all competing for your time. These feelings will override your mind to exhaustion if not understood. Please, it is imperative that We must learn to control our minds by thinking about our thoughts. What compels them, when they happen, and what we do when they happen to start looking for patterns to find our way through the dark to the light.
The corridors of the operating systems are long and deep, it is hard work to find them and even harder to survive the work that must be done to break through, but I assure you worth it in the end. ~ If We do not…we have not understood the first part of awakening…it is in understanding that we do not have to believe the things we think and that we are in control of our minds combined with a complete surrender to God that we will be blessed with this new way to perceive and be present in real-time.
We need only call his name to receive the grace of our first lifting of veil. I pray for all whom are ready and willing to call his name to find the strength to now. And so it is. ~ We are the only thing holding ourselves back from the peace that comes from putting God first.
Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
“This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder & unstoppable ~ this year I will be FIERCE” ~ Anonymous quote from meme on Instagram ~
I don’t think I have ever been fierce, not in the way it’s intended for empowerment anyway. Officially I have been fearless, so as to fight my battles, to fight my fear, to fight my pain, fighting my mind and its elaborate illusions to steer me from anything, but truth and real growth.
I have to admit hands-down those were the hardest wars/battles of the mind, choosing not to believe something because it can’t be real, it couldn’t be real, there’s no way that it could ~ that if you hold the assumption up against the light; put it to your heart and then hold it to your chest and then think how does this thought apply to anything that I know outside of my mind?
Yes, I have been fiercely fighting those battles for years, but in a strong way, a deep down and dirty painful sort of suffering the whole way through. Nothing like the fierce beauty captured in accompanying photo of model, Charity Camacho, by IN Staff Photographer, Jaymz K. Kennedy.) But, I digress…
It is known that Spiritually for one to evolve through pain we have to learn to accept pain without suffering. Internal Narcissus believes that we cannot get to that point without suffering through the pain and burning it clear out of our atmosphere.
I fought to overcome fear in the most grueling ways, but just when you think you have got it beat, you can or may be taken off track. No matter what something will hit you out of the blue, so how do we prepare for an unknown?
Well, I’m still processing this and there is much to process. Trying to grow up at 46 years old is truly the hardest things I have ever done. I’ve been awaken-ish my whole life. With the final awakening given by spirit starting December 2012 before the birth of Internal Narcissus that is the download of my blogs that became my book three years ago this March.
I am ever so thankful, for God’s hand on me, for it is the only thing that’s allowed me to see enough, so I could feel enough to know better.
There is one thing that I do know more than anything and that it is time to relax, to try to slow down, to stop trying so hard to understand. To not take everything so seriously. I’m way to hard on myself when I feel I failed others.
I’m not sure why I hold myself to such a high esteem when it comes to dealing with being a human being then forgetting I’m human only to feel the pain so sharp again when I stumble and fall.
Having to take faith in that I am a human trying when I am feeling, so amazingly small and insignificant. I’m in my third year of research in transpersonal psychology, I am a spiritual author, blogger, and podcast producer, by the grace of God himself. A poet by my own hearts intention since I was a teenager, too.
I am an artist, I am emotional, I am empath; I am a female that thought it was weak to be a female, so chose to be strong like a man. I don’t like to be told what to do, I prefer to be asked. Anyone who knows me well knows I’m a sucker for manners, I hate it when people have the wrong idea of who I am or perceptions of me.
I do not like to explain myself, and I truly do believe that people can read my mind and know my exact placement. That’s the one the cracks me up, because it’s so not true. I’ve learned that if I want someone to understand me I have to take the time to explain myself; this one doesn’t weigh so lightly on me, for I am never-ever one to explain myself to anyone. I thought I did not need to, I was proud and pretentious, but it was all an affront to keep people from seeing how much pain I was in.
I never let anyone know when I was hurt, and I always always tried to fix everything on my own, so I would not bother or hurt anyone else. Feeling that my mistakes were nobody else’s problem and never reached out.
I cannot put my finger on any one of the “mental things” that I know about myself that makes me, me. That’s why I do not call myself anything, and I will not label myself anything. The only thing that I refer to in the resource of my truest and most deepest ideas of who we are and where we come from is mental-health.
To me there is only light and dark and fear and love. I do not like the branding of names to separate mental illnesses. I believe every human is beautiful and good to begin with, and it is what happens to us along the way and the tools that we created along the way to help us that define where we end up; more importantly how we become caught in the middle of our own trappings.
I like to be esoteric when I think about the mind, for I feel it is abstract and immortal, so to tell it that it has a sickness called by name would only drop it even further away form its truth which is to free itself from fear to Shine Bright. Believing that we can trace how we react to things in each instance in the NOW ~ all the way back to something buried under something until we can make peace with it to let it go.
So…in 2015 ~ I intend to fight for my mental health and stamina of holding myself in real-time placement with a fierceness that I have never approached before. One full of feminine strength and motherly beauty. I intend to tap the resources of Mother Earth, Sister Moon, and every river, lake, and ocean.
I will find my way through the sea of intense with steady forward strokes to the left then right in my canoe of body while trying to balance the feminine and masculine within me which has never been my strong point.
I suppose 2016 will be the year I fight to reclaim the female side of me that I buried because I thought it was weak. I talk about this in my blog, Grace, and there are many things I have written on my feelings around this subject, and ultimate goal ~ to become a woman full of Grace, and oh so much harder than said, but I grind on this daily.
Also, I am back at my studies through Sophia University, and intend to write my second book very soon. I have some ideas on how to finish some of Freud’s work that are pretty conclusive regrading the Odepedian complex, but have not shared. All in due time though, for we grow slow at, Internal Narcissus and I’ve only just woke up to put my feet in this planet again, and am ready to soak them into the ground breaking water of earth-time life.
Internal Narcissus at Heart, Kellie J, Wright ❤️
PS ~ I want to thank my twin flame and true love, for being who he is which allows a perfect mirror of reflection along with his no holds bare of telling me exactly what he thinks he sees in my dark. I always take it with: deep meditation, lots of water work, and deep mental excavations to get one step closer to the free in me as a unattached and totally available source to the divine. That is of course after I have lost my mind to fear and said things I wished I had not and lost complete sense of myself. Life is a journey and having your twin flame around is one of the hardest gifts, God has ever bestowed upon me. #onelifeonechance
“Into the darkest part of my heart I leapt ~ right into the spiral of life, for their was nothing to fear with God as my truth and love as my vicar in flight.”
Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
This is a post to affirm to the universe as self that all of the soul work done with my twin flame is as it ever should be. God has a plan bigger than we can ever conceive and it is less painful the more we surrender, but I assure you that we cannot get to this final surrender without walking barefoot, shell shocked, and naked through the flames of eternity. Where in a final bending the branding of truth and resurrection of future-self washes clean these final distinctions.
This is not a private club, no not at all, open to all whom hear the call and with tireless perseverance carry on no matter what it looks like on the outside. A benevolent gift to those who seek to live life in the NOW. I promise that if ventured with total surrender that all will find their way to and through their selves back home.
Beauteous and outrageous are the ways that I have grown outside any of my original knowing and boxes of conclusions. More than I could ever have conceived, yet here I stand before you in a place that I was completely sure that I had lost faith in along the way, maybe even in that it ever existed, but the heart knew better. Flagged in gratitude and with much clearer vision ~ I know that we can win the war waged by fear and pain against our mortal minds to loosen the edges of our contentions to finally let go and let freedom ring.
And so it is ~ I have a lot to let sink in and to wade through in my transformations, so although I am eager to share, I will always elect to take the this time to grow slow because I know no other way. I am 100% spirit led and never rush ahead of myself. This is how “we do” at Internal Narcissus.
My life is in complete happiness right now, and I am taking the rest of this year to let the love with my love/twin flame and our families settle in and bind with my Internal and Cosmic DNA.
Comfortably, Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus at Heart
PS I still have much meditating and work to process regarding my twin flame and the past life soul work we both processed, and will share as it is given. ~ I do know this one thing though, and that is that my personal journey and calling have become more clear and ever present. I pray you will continue to support me on my journey, yours too, as we are all one. In the new year look for new blogs, a new radio podcast, and personal retreats with me as a spiritual-travel guide to self. Life, Light, and Love. <3
When you meet your twin flame. You’ll do the hardest work you’ve ever done. Just because they are your twin flame does not mean that you will be together forever though. My truth is that there is no forever ~ everything is just now. What we do to stay in the now dictates together and how long forever may be.
How we talk to one another, how we choose to treat one another, how we chose to listen to one another, and respect our individual stories by not attaching our deepest fears to theirs. It is also in how well we can take care of one another when we do. Knowing how to be able to listen to another’s story without judgement, but instead asking questions to find out how they feel, so as to comfort them. By choosing not to react, but instead ask why am I reacting. Then finally, yes, finally knowing that none of it matters once connected to current moments in the NOW.
My truth is nothing is forever, but love, so in that truth, no matter where we are or what we are doing if we have ever truly connected in real time with another and given all by doing the real work, and have done it with love ~ then there will always be love. Love never dies…
…we can try to bury it, burn it, degrade it, puncture it, deny it, cover over it, or a zillion other things to deny the pain it offers, but once we have connected to another on a soul level, soul mate, or twin flame connection here on Earth that bond will never die.
Internal Narcissus believes that this is what a true-love, twin-flame is ~ It is knowing your compliment in all things; the good, the bad, and the ugly, and still accepting and being a part of that love. Even when you may want to walk away, and always doing the right thing of questioning self by asking the hard questions to find your personal part in any happening. Then vowing to do the inner-healing work no matter what because you have too.
Clearing all fear and rejection to become awake and know that perception and disdain are the final chains baring the doorway that leads to the truth of true-love. Opening a bridging light of clarity to defog the mirrors of our once faithlessness, so that we may finally see each other as the beautiful, imperfect beings that we both are. A love that vows to honestly see the soul behind the flesh everyday. Finally, understanding that nothing is ever personal and that each are doing the very best they can with the only tools that they have. This level of consciousness and rite of passage are a gift from God. To connect in real-time while living and being here on planet Earth, is no joke, and can be had, but it comes at a cost ~ ~ ~ and is, honestly, the hardest and scariest thing that I have ever done that I win then fail at everyday…
Internal Narcissus at Heart ~ Kellie J. Wright
PS I am going to admit that I found my twin flame and I still do not know exactly what that means…I am starting to do some research and will write more on this phenomena as it is given to me, but know that I would not change one thing that we have went through or any of the more than breathtaking moments we have shared because I know as humans we find each other to do this work, for reasons more than I can ever understand, and that this soul-work can only be done with the other here on Earth. All in hopes that maybe, just maybe, together we can break the chains of perception.
“I found to be a woman full of Grace is to become a woman devoid of ego, pride, and fear.” ~ Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
I swear my lessons get keep getting harder, but that’s because I chose to walk a Masters path a very long time ago ~ one that hand-walked me to my twin flame and mirror of my soul. If I was smart I would have probably known this was going to happen. As it is my true love is the hardest and most beautiful lesson/gift from spirit that I could ever have.
Over the past few days I have seen a lot of posts from brave people sharing their pain that is coming at an accelerated cosmic rate of growing, and my heart is so full of admiration and respect. We cannot grow if we do not own our stuff, and oh my goodness is so hard to be a human trying in the year 2015. This is hard work, and I know that we are all doing the best that we can with the tools that we have. This is where I ask us to all be so kind to one another, for these are tough days, and we also must especially be kind to self, take self care, and slow down, please.
Today is the first day I’ve written anything since last Thursday. The last six days have been unrealistic for me. Really being thrown into the fire of reactions as I try to learn how to remain calm and or the same in the middle of my storms, no matter what is happening. The burning fire of purification meant to cure me to clear old pains and to stay balanced, catching me aflame instead. I admit that I failed more than a few times. Not being able to stay centered, or speak my truth, taking myself away from situations, and trying to control by hiding or deflecting. Relationship work is hard, especially with a twin flame, and I have not been able to stay balanced. I could not find my middle ground through not escalating too high or by sinking too low ~ the ideal is to remain the same as all is the same.
Light is the dark and dark is the light. Love is fear and fear is love. There is no difference when we can stay balanced. Learning to not assign reactions to happenings and being able to stay in love being able to be love. No fear and no revolting instead choosing to turn and face fear defiantly with high beams on. I could not, I tried, ah, but this is hard work.
All is not lost though because I stayed very close to me and observed all, I have too, it is how I do things, working with me even when I have to slow down to a stand still, for I will not lose a battle ever to my mind or more assuredly, never to fear again. I’ve come too far and will never go back. It may take a couple hours or sometimes days to regain the strength when lightning strikes, but the strikes are less frequent, and the time in between the processing becomes shorter.
I learned a long time ago that we are suppose to be in control of our minds not the other way around…but knowing is only the first part of the battle, and I knew this many, many years before I ever was given my divine intervention. I will persevere to resurrect and stand mindless at the end of this soul journey and a woman full of grace.
We are all one,
Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
Dear Inner Circle
I am laughing and crying inside when I look at this picture, for somehow I always feel like this ~ a baby trying so hard to learn how to do everything right. I make mistakes constantly then fight ferociously to learn the lessons and stay in the now. Constantly working to be present while evolving to become a woman full of grace. One that can glide through the awarenesses that I have fought so valiantly for, so I can evolve to help others. Growing-IN is a practice and a life commitment, and it is the best commitment that I have ever made.
Today I took my first yoga class in over a year. I had a practice of hot yoga 5-6 times a week at one point before my 3 year transformational journey began. I would get a class in here and there when I could, but my dedication was to my mind first and foremost, so I cleared a slate that made room for nothing but self analyzing and deep meditation and dream work, so that I could resurrect in the Gold. That being I was really happy to start my new practice today. ‘Finally feeling it was time to start not that I had too.’ The last sentence is important and a creed of mine, so if you ever work with me on a retreat or on a 90 day transformation, get ready to assimilate those words, for we go to the bare bones of things, strip our lives down to as little movement as possible to allow the divine to connect (more on this later though).
I am in Big Bear Lake. I love it here, and after my first class felt home again. The connection, the poses, the cold (LOL) ~ Yes, I did yoga today and it was cold…I wore leggings that my aunt bought me when we used to power walk in the snow back home when I first started this sacred journey, a tank top, t-shirt, and my boyfriends big loose sweater. ~ Lost the sweater when I finally warmed up, but put it back on for final pose. I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking I am not the woman I was when I started this Internal Narcissus Project and Journey March 13, 2013.
I felt proud and oddly connected to my real self. As of late I have been in the desert for almost a year with little outside contact beside my few close friends, and love. This is where God led me, and I am so grateful. ~ When I accepted this assignment to follow spirit 100% and never look back, I did just that. I followed signs and intuition and never let anyone else but me and God decide my next steps.
As I looked at myself in the mirror today at the yoga studio in a blank amazement, I felt so much gratitude. We saved my life from myself. God and I, and I am now 45 years young and 100% present (OK, most of the time, come on, we are humans trying and this is life, so we will disconnect at times, but know it is OK, for it is a part of the growing). Remember to find peace in melt downs because they are doors to clarity, let yourself cry even bawl to push the pain through, and do not fight pain by trying to change directions, stay the course because all of these happening are tools to burn though the hurt and pain stored in our bodies. God is so good and our innate ability to listen further to hear our own truth is a burning gift of freedom available to all, we need only ask.
When I left class today I immediately thought of this photo (so went to look for it in an old post) that always tickles me pink! This picture resonates with me on such a deep level. It really just encapsulate me right now. ~ But get this, at the end of class today my instructor gave us a quote “Yoga is not about reaching your toes, its about the journey on the way down.” Ha! I have to agree….the beauty in all is the dedication to keep trying and to never give up no matter what it looks like on the way down, or on the outside.
Comfortably, Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
*Oddly enough….when I went to look for the photo and post to re-share on FaceBook, it was dated October 18, 2014 and I was feeling and in the exact same place as I am writing this on October 22, 2015 (Meaning: we must pay attention to our cycles to break patterns).
**This blog was suppose to post on October 22, 2015, but had some technical difficulties. I do have to keep the journey in the proper timeline, so am noting it here.
*** Internal Narcissus resident photography is Jaymz K. Photography except in certain instance when a blog calls for something that is related in such a deep way I have to use it.
“Baby steps, one step at a time to free yourself from fear. Do not be in a rush, take each step methodically and with intention, for it all adds up.”
I promise that we can change the way we feel about ourselves one thought at a time, one step at a time, as long as we still have the fight in us to do so. What is buried can be unburied, so please never give up on you. This is a process of seeking and questioning to the point of exhaustion and isolation. Then we can apply the information we found and compare it to the actual reality that is.
As we learn to challenge our fear, question it, envelope ourselves in it to understand and process its cause, we can and will slowly free ourselves from our blocks and triggers that we have let control us. We will find ways around and through the lightning strikes, so they do not annihilate us when caught off guard.
We can change the way we think about our thoughts and ourselves if we go slow and are honest with self and others. Being honest is the only way through and the first acceptance of this responsibility…if we cannot be honest the next waves of information cannot come. If we are honest we can change the way we react thus freeing ourselves from pain and negative behaviors that keep us from ourselves and from the love and truth that we are.
Become an Internal Narcissus by diving-in to find who you came to here be. Learn to love yourself for who you are, free yourself from fear, ego, and pride that is holding you prisoner.
Learn to love yourself, so you can love others. It’s a circle.
Comfortably, Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
Today I start my study and research on Twin Flame. This is my reasoning regarding such subject before I started my Spiritual Transformation and journey 3 years ago:
1. Never heard of them (just soul mates)
2. Heard of them and chose to not believe (did not resonate/too jaded/thought it had just to do with romantic love)
3. During my 1st 90 day spiritual transformation decided and declared live on air (IN Radio) that God is my Twin Flame
4. Then there was him…hand-walked and spirit led to seven doors down from mine
In a post from peer and friend, Daniel Nielsen’s on June 7, 2015 I was alerted to the phenomena in my midst. I knew in my very fiber that I had met my twin and he lived about 7 doors down from me. We had found each other through God’s hand. ~ When I started my 3rd transformation in body which I thought was to finally learn to play guitar and take vocal lessons I never knew the dark roads it would take me down in love and death of pride, self, and ego; immediately thrown into the hardest soul work imaginable with my twin flame, my love, and friend.
This is no joking or romantic love matter ~ this is inner-self work that is a matter of the soul kind, and entirely of another resonance. The most beautiful and degrading soul splitting and disrobing of self you will ever come against. I am now moved to find out more in regard to Twin Flame.
My life has been a series of mystical experiences and side shows that I have kept track of, and most recently since March 13, 2013 ~ through my blogs, radio podcasts, youtube videos, and my book. I follow spirit 100%; one has to be free from fear and ego to follow such a path and the further we go in the more there is….a mass conjunction of heart and space time to the freeing of self that is the most illuminating gift that I have…these gifts manifest as they can, as we can receive them, so this is not a how to thing, it is a #howyouthing.
Tell me, how will you find your self, learn to love yourself and God first, so you can then free yourself from ego, fear, and pride to find true love and happiness that exist inside of you? **** NO one can give you these things, we already have them, we only need ask to find the keys to unravel the mess in our heads that keep us from our unique eternal truth.
SO —- A quick share I found when I started diving in to Twin Flame today:
It is the same doctrine when Kabalists assert that in the beginning of the world souls were created by God in pairs consisting of a male and female. The twin-soul here is a product of the primary creation; the single soul belongs to the second creation. The doctrine is apparent in the first chapter of Genesis, when Adam was created in the likeness of the Elohim, and was both male and female. Whereas in the second creation (ch ii) man, or Adam, is not a twin soul; he is fashioned singly, and the woman is taken from the body of the man to form a consort for him. ~ Ancient Egypt – The Light of the World – See more at: http://kuriakon00.tripod.com/soulmate/biblical_soulmate.htm…
I am going to research and then meditate to download more information on Twin Flame. Follow me on my journey, yours too, for we are all one.
Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
Hearts are beautiful souls ~ open yours to come alive. ~ Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus
A heart that is kept from loving and being open is starved from it’s essential master plan of existence here on Earth: we are meant to love each other, we are meant to love ourselves, and to love God. Please forgive anyone who got in the way of you and those dreams that we are all given as our birthright including yourself, for if we cannot forgive then we lock ourselves underneath layers of misery that will keep us from the truth in the heart of everything, and there is only one truth…that we are here to be love.
I know as a nation, as a country, as a people that we can rise above the fear and pain that has been inflicted on our mortal hearts to free our souls to open up to the beauty of love that we all come from, our creator, and whom we are a part of and will return one day. We need only seek, we need only call his name, and he will hear and answer: one heart at a time, one personal call, for we cannot do this for another. Each individual human being must save their own heart to free their soul.
What do we have to lose by taking a chance to quest further inside to find the truth and the knowledge buried like a time capsule inside of us that will free our minds? I implore you to take a chance: if you are skeptical, if you are in fear, have given up, are lost in muddled thoughts, if you have forgot or lost your place to please try again. I assure you that each time we will Grow-IN further ~ that we can reach this place inside of us anytime we so wish again and again as soon as we accept that we are the only thing holding us back.
I am a walking testament to the truth and the beauty of never giving up and surrendering completely to God to find your way through into the light of this new day and into your new thoughts and new world that you will co-create with creator and is yours to design.
Internal Narcissus believes there is no greater joy of a human soul than to give and receive love freely. Follow me on my journey, for this will go on until the day I leave here because it is my service for the life and the love and the grace in the beauty and forgiveness that I was given to stand free and tall in my own resonance, so I may have the life worth living and sharing with others that has been my whole quest.
Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
Reach out to me to book a spiritual retreat in the healing waters of Desert Hot Springs,CA where I completed a 3 rd 90 day transformation that brought me full circle in my 3 year journey to heal mind, body, and soul.
Hello Inner Circle,
I am just floating on air today! These thoughts came, so I am going to share:
I promise that if the hard work is done and you truly surrender by asking the hard questions of self: I mean really hard questions…even beat yourself up a little to get to the truth (this means not falling for the tricks of your mind) that you will wake up one day so filled with self love and self worth for your own being and essential place here on Earth that you will be free!
A part of this exponential growth is that you will then start to question it all too; wondering if it is real. I assure you, my friends, that it is. Especially if you have done the work and have given all to tear down old shrines, blocks, and barriers. Yes, your dreams will come true and it will be so amazing and feel like it is all happening at once, so much that it will take a little time to acclimate to this transformation.
So this is where I please ask you to STOP…then take a deep breath and remember you have been working a very long time on these epic leaps of soul work and personal growth leading to everything that you asked for! That they did not appear out of thin air or happen over night. Say to yourself these words:
I deserve all of the things that I have and worked so hard to be. I fought for myself and this new life and worked harder than anything than I have ever worked on before in my whole life, so I am worthy of the gifts that come from it. I worked hard to become the person I am today and sacrificed much to be present in this new state of mind and frequency, so I AM ready to grow in its goodness and keep becoming…
Then Take a minute to give yourself credit for all you are achieving everyday just by being alive and present! Accepting your hard won battles while standing in the flame of truth to burn away the distance being bridged in this new transformation because it is all placement and relative to time, so you and God got this!
I know because I am doing this today. I stared down the demons of fear, pride, and ego to find true love, truth, and clarity in a level of consciousness that does not go backwards. ~ If this is what you are doing too! Do not be afraid and do not go quietly into the night…stand up and know love won and fear lost…then share your new tools and gifts of love with others, for WE are now connected in real time with the divine love of God that we come from. Co-created by our intentions to connect in real time that he brought us through, so, we are deserving! & Remember to Revel in the gifts you fought for while opening your heart to receive all gifts of love.
Comfortably, Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus at Heart
No take backs!;) ~ Life is so good! ~ God is real and a part of us ~ we are not separate! Talk to him, tell him what you want then tell him you are ready for the next level up! #internalnarcissus #transformation #weareallone #yourdeservethetruth #author #blogger #podcast #spiritled #retreats #twinflame #truelove #mentalhealth #werisebyliftingothers #♥