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I believe everyone has a craving to be met. To be seen underneath the illusion of first glances and hard cover. Deep on the inside where all of the pages bind at our seam. Worn, torn, earmarked, underlined and highlighted, for remembrances of things both celebrated and weathered. Actually letting another behind the door marked private where upon first glance a coffee cup stain sits on the right hand side of our hearts thinking desk.
A desk speckled in ink and blood from hours of meditation and wonderings on why. Now stars glistening on the grain in the shape of the constellation, Orion; leading to our sunken treasure in chest marked with talismans for protection under: private, do not enter, then, not for keeps.
No one said it was pretty meeting ourselves on the road that has become the map of our life detailing our epic tales and endless journeys. A mariner’s chart for who we have become along the way whether we wanted to or not, but alas it led us on our grandest quests as we strove for love and light eventually becoming truth in the form of who we are right now.
This twin flame is someone we cannot escape from ever because we are enmeshed with the pieces of us that matter. Yes, because what we are matters, because what we have done matters, because who we have loved, laughed, parlayed, fought, and traveled for and with no matter how short or long the period of time matters.
Even when they are not needed or wanted any longer and the thought of their taste or touch makes us want to slam the book closed while screaming our safe word; it still matters, and it is for us not them that we need to remember.
Insisting that we are our own book and we must be met and read to be loved. That we want our next first steps, and most definitely want to feel comfortable in our current skin aligned with current intentions and newly founded land agreements.
Ones that we intentionally set sail for in real time, and can have as soon as we accept that we cannot expunge happenings of intended want and love just because they no longer ring true. It is my truth that if that were true then it would mean that we did not, nor ever, ring of any truth.
Then tell me how could that be if we took the steps that led us to the lessons whereby we met and chose to be in these peoples lives? Because we did whether cognizant of it, or not. And all of these choices make us the being that we are right now, and we need the who we are right now, so we can breathe.
No one else can do this for us, no one else can change our mind, and only we can spark the signal light within us to be read, but, we have to accept that all is love and all is God.
In doing so accepting the people in front of us, for who and what they were no matter what. How little is it to hate what we cannot have or do not want anymore? If we hate or harm another because things did not go as planned then we only hate and harm ourselves.
This does not mean it feels good, it is a stinging from the inside clear out and one you will never know less you let it, but without it there is no growth. Pride will try to rob you of this growth and pride must be denied.
There must be no covering, no blaming, and no denying. Acceptance is key, faith must be resolute, and fear must be absent so we may grow. Everything we are going through is a lesson for us to learn through love not hate, so just as soon as we can accept that these failed relationships and situations are just commingling’s of assignments steeped in lessons to get us to our next crucial stepping stone in Placement. The sooner we may evolve, the sooner to free we will all be.
I know this is hard, and that hard lessons hurt. They cut the deepest, but also agree that they must be coveted to an extent to learn the lesson at hand. So ask yourself this…how long must we crucify ourselves and others for happenings that had to happen, so that we could grow?
My truth is they were posed to shape us by tooth and knife, breath and sweat, sex and trust, betrayal and honor, and the hand of love itself. In this I beg of you to please not worry so much about the why, but on how to grow.
Deeply believing that you are good enough because if you do not who will? While always craving to be met for the who you are when you are at home in the study of your heart, surrounded by all of the pages of your life, bound to your truest being and inherently good intentions.
Internal Narcissus believes we all have the right to live a life worth having and sharing with others, and one as rare and beautiful as the night stars.
Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus at Heart
I think the hardest thing about being sober and being in recovery is learning to trust oneself in relationships, or realizing that you never did. I know for me I was very codependent. I found this out through listening to friends sharing that are in the program. How I was co-dependent was by making my partner into my higher power. This is something that I never knew that I had done until now, and they would have never known either because then they could hurt me, so why would I do that, right? My ego and pride were much too infallible of a team for that back then, but in looking back, yes; I would get totally consumed and lost in my relationships. Loosing parts of me further and deeper each time that I did not catch on to what was really happening while I valiantly trudged straight ahead in life from one failed relationship to the next. All the while never truly sharing any of me with anyone while expecting everything in return. Never seeing my part in any of it until too late then trying fixing it, and wanting them to come back for me! Can you say abandonment issues? Oh my, what a tangled web we weave in addiction. A double edged sword of I want what I do not want, and I do not know any of this because I cannot feel anything.
Fortunately I was working really hard over the years trying to sort out the why’s of this stuff out, and I actually did figure all of my stuff out before deciding to quit drinking for good, but it is something else to be sitting in it sober having to live and feel it in real-time. The old me when hurt would go cover then go round and round in circles. But I never gave up on me, and after years of hard work and realizing I had to stop all of my old behaviors and change everything to get to the other side of me, I won. I had my last two drinks March 13, 2014. Decided I never wanted to drink again, again on March 14, 2014. Received a divine interception (spiritual awakening) on March 15, 2014. I am happy to report today on October 13, 2014, I seven months clean and sober!
Happily I do not crave or want to use anything but life and all that she fans and flames to get me by these days. And yes there are still painful moments, but thankfully when my brain and her ego start acting up from old triggers by perceived lightning strikes; I know they are signs saying to slow down, Dear, there is work to do here. And I try not to listen to the hardwired internal song of protection, but instead accept the invitation to dance with my higher power to cool my blood. This is sometimes a slow dance and other times a disco dance that sends my head spinning, but I have worked very hard at not reacting in the old ways of wanting to control, run, or change things up. I accepted the ultimate invitation to a new life, and a lifetime dance partner, so I do not ever have to go back. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I love being absolutely present in my life!
In the end I know that I cannot change the things that happened to me or the moment that I decided to use to deflect pain which eventually turned into years of partying and covering, but I also know that I would not either. I love me and have learned from my life, and use parts of it as reminders of why I never want to use again. My life is a testament to me and the research it took to become the beautiful entity I am today. I intend to treat me with respect and as a best friend whom I would never harm. Someone who is clear on the other side of my past behaviors smiling gallantly while waiving a dance card full with God and I‘s name on it.
Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus at Heart <3 Photo Credit:Jaymz Kennedy "It came time to leave the past behind." Hills of the Cinque Terre, Italy
Dear Inner Circle,
Today was a big day in listening further. I was not shining bright at all, and could feel it weighing on me in the middle of what I know is to be happiness. The heaviness just waiting for me to recognize it and do something, do what I normally do – which is stop, stay still, listen to my heart, follow my intuition, and trust my gut feelings at all costs. I’m happy to report that when I did all of these things and made the right choices for me right now that the feelings immediately left. I was at once renewed with my bouncy energy and at peace.
So here’s what I did: I chose to stay home in Malibu and not fly home to WA tomorrow. To continue working on all the things that are current and positive in my life right now, and Believe it or not I am seeing the bounty in it already. More time to prepare for my upcoming radio shows, the chance to record a show with an overseas guest that will be in Canada during the week I am now coming home, and I can have all three of us girls in town to record our upcoming radio shows. Afterwards a road trip with my kitties and belongings back home to my little retreat!
I Cannot wait to get my hands on my kitties and my guitar, but it’s only a little longer now. Internal Narcissus believes we have to trust our instincts, our energy fluctuations, and what the surrounding elements are telling us no matter the cost. Money does not matter here, but our hearts desires that are aligned with our spiritual course and the peace that allows us to shine bright are what makes us rich beyond our wildest dreams and anything in this world. My 90 transformation is so amazing already, and I’m only entering the middle of week two. Stay with me.
Always, Kellie J. ~ Internal Narcissus
Dear Inner Circle,
Life is a constant, continuous journey; One I’ve always paid pretty good attention to, but in the last two and a half years paid strict attention, and in this last six months given my undivided obedience. Let’s just say, it served me well, and I was able to make it to the other side of me to greet this new arc in my life. Honestly, I have never felt so free, so beautiful, or so alive. I am at last truly in touch with myself, others, and my God.
Oh my, and It feels so good to finally be awake and walking in real-time, no longer a prisoner of my past trappings or cosmic residues.This hard break-through took many of many years, but lessons learned since my eyes were opened have been assimilated quickly. The beauty of this is that I know it is available for everyone to experience!
I did it by ingesting my blogs, slowing down, listening further, taking everything as a sign in real-time, and trusting my intuition as my guiding light. Believe me none of where I am now was anywhere on my radar until the very last minutes of my 90 day transformation which took place April 1 through June 30 of 2014. I was on a meditative walk asking where I would be moving, and thinking it would be possibly be San Diego when Malibu popped into my mind. I believed, trusted, and am now a resident of Malibu, CA!
Yes, this is the news, I moved to Malibu. It took 3 months of traveling back and forth, listening further, and being patient for this place and its intentions to provide their location, but I now have a little studio cabin on a Beautiful Retreat in Latigo Canyon! And, I am starting a second 90 day transformation today! There is so much more I want to say, but mostly just want to thank everyone for the love and support and kindness that has been shown to me and in ways that I’m sure not even aware, but know in my soul are working for me.
So, it is with a wide open heart and complete happiness that I accept this second 90 day transformation from the Universe and my new place of residence, for which I am so thankful and excited to be. My goals were met and exceeded beyond my wildest dreams in the last transformation, and I intend this one to be just as amazing!
My last challenge was to get Balanced in Mind, Body, and Spirit, and to find and have true love. This challenge is to get Organized in Mind, Body, and Spirit AND to finalize the move from mind based actions to heart based actions. Please stay with me on my journey where I will check in by video blog every Wednesday starting October 8, 2014.
NWCZ Radio is still the home of Internal Narcissus Radio. Rosie McPherson and Connie Ransom Rose still are Hosting the show with me. And us 3 girls are ready to keep shining bright and growing with all of our friends, fans, and family.
Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus