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Define

Apr 26, 2015

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“Because I’m not like you what won’t you let me define? Footprints in the sand leave trails up-and-down my heart and tracks all through my mind. No longer visible on the outside as crawling turns to a slow slide, ever so small into place, but look no hands, look father I’m doing it, so give me one more chance to change the look on your face.” Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Where is the finish line on a beach with no sand and a heart that can’t hear from the inside? How slow can we grow and small can we hide on the brighter side of the great divide? I’m indivisible by you, and you plus me equals us, so where can we hide and who do we trust, and how do I do this when you are all that I have, and they still do not trust. Your love, your faith, your grace, your care, your want and need for us to do well and exceed.

~ As there are many religions that all lead to you there are many ways to clean our blood, clear our memories, and bring fresh new cells to life in our body so we can stand up truthfully in front of you. And is not on our knees, postulated to the ground, crucified by our own memories enough for us to call each other brothers and sisters? Even then are we strong enough to all hold hands and shout no more: no more shame, no more pain, no more fear, no more manipulation, no more greed, no more separation, no more NOT lifting each other up anymore?

Have we become so many that we’ve lost sight of love for each other and for the hope of humanity? How could we ~ when we were given so many of its gifts, and so many chances again and again? If fear is the only thing that blocks the human heart from the love of all, from the love of our Creator, from the acceptance of each other ~ then why don’t we rally a war against fear and not each other?

When someone won’t listen to you because they say you don’t have enough time “wait…heart stops with a heavy sigh” ~ When rules exceed acceptance, when old ways will nor garner new, when others judge with a heart that is closed and not open a larger disassembling ensues. When others push their views and ideas against you because they are so sure that they know exactly the way they leave no chance for your conversation with God to find its own voice and know it’s own path, and become its own truth what it is for?

Internal Narcissus believes we are a moving improving species. A slow fanning out from the beginning of time… oh, there we go to the “time thing” again. “How much time do you have?” “Time for what, I ask?” Hmm, I have all the time in the world for now. I have every minute that I can breathe as I’m breathing it now. I have only now, so in essence time has me, now. How we choose to spend our time defines the details of our mind, so as you count your time do not use it against another or use it to place yourself apart from another. If we start to define ourselves by distance we will all surely continue to loose.

Internal Narcissus is about learning to love ourselves, so you, we, can love others ~ in this circle of life. I implore you do not wither away by wasting your love for it is a precious commodity straight from source, straight from the creator, something you’re been given a lifetime guarantee of access, so make sure that you use it wisely and give it to those who can receive it and give it back.

Un-break your heart, learn to love, learn to accept, learn to not judge, learn to clear the traumas of our lives, so we can gravitate toward next intendeds and chosen families of trust. Create a life worth having and sharing with others by making our first relationship with God, or higher power our first and foremost. Then and only then can we love another truly, and that other should have the similar definitions of love ~ only then can the two flower and garner a life together.

We are not meant to be alone and I will fight every day to remind each of you how lovely you are and me too, so we can have a life that we want and share it with others. Tear down those walls, revel in our own beauty, clear our minds, and in doing so our souls will glow and shine brightly in all the hues of our own intentions: causing us to define all as love and love as all.

Always,
Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Our Minds

Apr 20, 2015

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I am at home letting my soul/existence breathe. In some of my lately thoughts, I was shown to ponder recovery, how it is different for all and deeply personal too. I have so many thoughts surrounding this because I have too, not because I want to. I want to accept and be, but being that I did not get sober through AA and a lot of people have, I sometimes wonder how I fit in, or at least not be outcast for my personal brand of recovery that did not include sitting in the rooms of AA. My Alcoholic biological father got sober Through AA and was a warrior of service in the last 14 years of his life; and many other people I love have too. ~ For me it happened differently.

See, I was more sober than I had ever been in my life the last two years before I got sober though God’s Grace right after committing to a 90 day transformation. But as I have said before that was at the tail end of a lot of happenings between God, I, and life. We worked hard for this new me, mostly me truly because he never left me, it was I who created the distance within us that was almost un-breachable. I was given this radio show and was a year into it while writing my blogs before the day that changed my life forever ~ But alas I will start a little further back.

~ My desire in life has always been to show people how beautiful they are. To show them what I see in them for being alive, volatile, human (awake or sleeping), and real. The only thing real in life is us, yet we deny ourselves the right to be awake each day by not listening further, by pushing to hard on ourselves, by never allowing ourselves to feel good enough, denying our connection to God or only half connecting, and never letting go of things that do us harm even when we know they are doing us harm. This just was not good enough for me, I wanted more for me and for everyone else. ~ I finally have a place to do this out loud every day and every Sunday, and I pray for the time and grace to do the best that I can. I do this out loud as I am growing, as things come to me, and have no agenda, but to inspire self love to knock out fear.

I feel old and new at the same time. I am soul on a masters journey of enlightenment, and I am not afraid to say that I have and will be working on this aspect of me first and foremost the rest of my mortal life, and again once I return to source download and share all collective lessons and am sent back again to quest on or do over what I have refused to open up and learn here. Yes, I use the words “I refuse” because we have the power within us to open up and change everything about us at anytime if we would just breathe, believe and let go; let God.

~ My mission is not simple and it will take everything I have to be the woman in Grace that I long to be…but I will not give up and I will do what I have come to do, no matter how long it takes me to continually keep getting out of my way. ~ One step forward, one step back, two steps forward, and so it is. Internal Narcissus believes our mind is our worst and greatest ally and to know thyself is only the beginning because once we know who we are and how we work only then can we start to uncover our truths to truly be set free.

I ask you, how long will you continue to be a slave to what you tell yourself about yourself and others? Even the little parts behind the big leaps and strides of awareness…because they are there and we all will backslide on them at some point if we cannot name the difference between real and not real, fearing we are not good enough instead of reveling in our inherent goodness and down right gorgeousness of who we were born to be, not anything else. This is why I believe Fear is the only monster that we must slay, for once we slay fear doubt will not stand a chance and we can stand resolute in our goodness, in our beauty, in our authentic self that would never harm us or put us in precarious positions, shame ourselves, disrespect ourselves, anything that keeps us from our creator and the love from which we hale.

~ I know this is truth for I made it to the other side and back again, and my friends there is still more to do. For we live in a world with each other, so situations will change and grow as we will too, and we should pray we all find the absolute strength to know the difference between what is real and what is not and stop feeding ourselves medicinal spoonfulls of cosmic residue and gunk meant to keep us from God and Self.

I believe that once we are free from the poisons of the outside world, we can wage a war on the left over parts inside of us…the parts that will be reckoned with and made whole again. I want to be of service and have my own ideas of how I got here and how I will remain; they are given to me by my intuition and guides, so I will not falter and will not preach, but share to anyone who is hungry to live and grow out loud together: no shame, no isolation, no guilt, no fear, no dogma, no hiding, only love. Love begets love…I did not sit in the AA rooms to get sober, but I sat down a lot and in many places in my life and have had many conversations with God. ~ Why I am who and where I am now is owed explicitly to him, and I answer only to his call and will follow him 100%. I know his voice and have heard him call my name, and I am devout in a way I cannot explain but will always try…

I believe in God, love, the animals, people, and our mother Earth, and I call for the healing of all. We can do this “us who have recovered” and I believe we were called specifically and tested valiantly, not all made it, but those who have I believe we have the hardest task of all, and that it to serve always, no matter what, at all costs.

Always,
Kellie J ~

Revel

Apr 19, 2015

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Revel in the beauty that is you. Cast away all the thoughts that come in that first net of doubt. Throw them far away, and then when you let yourself see the second layer of sediments in the bottom of the second cast, hang onto those thoughts. Revel in that beauty, your core. Find out who you really are: think about the way you move, how fast your heart beats when you are hurried or rushed, when you feel more smooth inside your body, or sometimes do not know yourself.

Find the strength to believe in all of that beauty, that is your truth. The beauty that is innately you, the beauty that is you when you’re shining in all the hues of your own intentions. Yes, those intentions that we talked about in past shows and blogs; the colors that make you smile, the things that make you crave the things that you crave, and make up for the parts of you that you do not understand.

The things that keep you awake because you know they have your interest and that you have an interest in because the feelings have your best interest at heart, and the most important part of your essence is mired deep in there where you can engage a new dialouge with self once you dig in. Finally deciding that you are good enough for you.

Then your real beauty starts to bloom in time with you thoughts. Because we are creating them from the healing energy of our heart. The resurfacing of first smiles brought through the wonderment in your new born baby eyes, and the sunshine that blessed you from behind your heart straight into your heart chakra.

Opening to the full swing of your song booming in your chest. Yes the one where your life beats and is what beauty truly is. Beauty is life. It is realizing that you are enough. It is understanding that you and God have this thing called “you” under control and that together you are a team infallible; full of amazement and wonder.

For there is no greater joy of a human soul then to give and receive love freely, and why at Internal Narcissus, we are learning to love ourselves, so we can truly love others.

This is what it means to give and receive love freely. To know that giving love unconditionally means that you want to give it, and that you are not trying to get anything in return. Being able to receive love: is being able to receive love in its fullness, but not expecting anything else from it, and learning to not want to immediately return it rather accept it and hold it inside as a gift. That is what unconditional love is and nothing more.

It is learning to cut the movies and tapes from your mind and accept life and love for what they are. Being available to see the real beauty which is life and merriment.

Understanding the wondrous feeling in the sound of your beating heart, the crush of soft grass under your toes, the wisp of wind across your cheek, the laugh when you arch your head and see a little hummingbird skim by, or an eagle soaring high.

Yes, whatever we feel we are creating, so we need to make sure that we are where we want to be, and putting our energies exactly where we want things to bloom. Not the opposite, for we do not want to cause things to resurface, rekindle, or be reimagined that we have already processed and done the work on; we cannot have conversations with people in our head, we must have conversations with people in real time.

Yes, all of these things add or subtract to the beauty that is our life because we sway our minds with what we feed them. So please be honest, open, truthful, and caring to each other. Stop wanting things to be exactly a certain way and open your heart to the possibility that you may not have the best next step for you at all times, but that God does, and if we listen he will guide us.

I know it’s hard sometimes, especially when we are dealing in a world of facts, unknowns, or assumptions. So this is where we must slow down to look at the first catch of thoughts and feelings when they come rushing in with tides. Remember to throw back the unwanted thoughts recast then re-think about what is really going on, and how we are in control of our beauty, our reactions, and our mindfulness.

Think about who you are, and how you run your mind and your body. Think about how you used to think ~ then stop. Give cause for how others think and give them a chance by letting them be human too. Think maybe how other people are running their lives may be similar because we are similar.

As well we all come preloaded, so let us unload the arsenal of reactions to move into a Woodstock of song. Joining hands chanting for peace and knowing that flowers are power and that the truth of beauty lies within the breath in the scent of everything and everyone.

Internal Narcissus believes there are angles and guides all around us and we only need ask for assistance when negative thoughts come crashing in that would have us tear ourselves and each other apart instead of revel in the beauty which is us.

Always,
Kellie j ~ Internal Narcissus

Hand Walked

Apr 8, 2015

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Wherever we are in life, we have hand walked ourselves, for we have done everything that we have wanted. No please, listen to me, it may sound strange, but you have to believe you have done everything that you wanted. Sometimes we have to walk backwards quite a few paces, sometimes even years, or lifetimes to see all of the wanton steps that brought us to the things that we think that we did not want, but I assure you the addition will all add up. One plus one plus one plus one plus one until the final sum on the day when we woke up ~ that one day when we did not want what we do not want anymore.

This is the day when we were freed, the day after every other day we had done everything we had wanted too. Don’t get me wrong, also in the very same breath we may have not wanted too, but obviously we are not victims to our fear. We just chose fear over love. Love would have us care for self and be responsible for our actions, so we could then try to fix them. Called up to be our own first healer to guide us carefully to love, for that is where we come from, and the most beautiful thing is that we can always get back.

Internal Narcissus believes we can blame no one else for the steps we have walked, that we must own up to the decisions and choices we made that created the being we were that brought us to the day that we finally: looked up, woke up, were brought to, or resurfaced again. The day we fell down to our knees that one real first time in total surrender while whispering, no more. Finally choosing God over all else and ready to give up everything and change everything about us instead of choosing fear and staying the same again.

Whether out loud, silently, or facedown on the ground there was always going to be a day, that one day ~ when we finally did choose to not want to anymore: becoming the first next step to the other side of us. The day we did not want to pay for our sins anymore, did not want the greed we could not clear anymore, did not want the ego and pride blocking us from self and everyone we love, did not want the need, oh yes the need…

…the need to be filled, need to be heard, the need for our pain to mean something to someone, if not anyone else, then us. And yes we would honor our pain, and well we did: for we cherished it, we groomed it, and rode it all the way to the end of hell. Where we placed it on a pedestal then laid at its feet: opening another bottle, taking another hit or pill, took another drag ~ or whatever it is or was keeping us from confronting our fear. Another cookie, another donut, another 5 miles, another book, another movie, endless television, whatever it is to distract us from the things we do not want to keep or remember, but still hang on to refusing to face or to talk about.

Fear keeping us from being alive, present, giving, loving, trusting, feeling all the way through, or from just being present. That is until the day we finally did not want to anymore, and even then we could not totally let go just yet, but trusted and took the first step to becoming whole to becoming the person we are today. Yes today the day that we decided we did not want to anymore.

In the middle of any life where we are striving to be present there has to come a day when we face all the things that we wanted that we thought we did not, or assumed we were victims of. To find a place that we could stand up in the middle of ourselves to demand for it all to make sense. Because no matter what we were there, it happened, and the truth is sometimes, most times, no one will ever understand, but us and God.

It sounds easy that just knowing should be enough for us to put fear and the things we do not want to bed, wrap it up, give it a loving kiss and fall asleep to resurrect in the gold, to be alive now in the present; but it takes time, it takes precision, so be easy on yourself, know you are doing the best you can, and if, doing the best that you can then is that not enough?

Our lives are a ballad of wonderment brilliantly stained and jaded while locked and loaded to protect this new day. The day we have wanted that is now and could not have been without our past. Yes we are the present, time is a gift, and our past is the road we hand walked ourselves, so we really cannot be one without the other.

Internal Narcissus believes we are the light calling us home and all roads we walk can be hand picked in the now, now that we know.

Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

I Broke My Heart

Mar 29, 2015

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“I broke my heart…so, I can un-break it.” ~ In truth this is the truth, for we are, in the end, responsible for all of the decisions and choices we make; the ones that break us and the ones that cure us, for it is all just a twist of our mind.” Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

I broke my heart. So I can un-break it. It’s just a twist of the mind. It is just a clip of the thorns, a turn of a thought. It’s choosing to live rather than stay frozen while each day we die a little more and more.

What are we honoring by closing ourselves up? Who are we honoring? No one and nothing if we bar ourselves from joy muted from the truth. If we hold onto values and systems that keep us underfoot, under our feet, under anything, we lose. Everyday we lose when we choose to stay somewhere we do not belong anymore. Whether this is a place, a feeling, or a moment: or choosing to feed a vacant memory that is not happening anymore, moved on, moved out, or evicted.

My truth is that if something is not happening, it does not matter. It is pretty simple, so here it is: if someone is not giving you their time whether in front of you or behind, it is not happening. You cannot feed something back to life with the depth of your sorrow. It will not happen, it is a waste of energy. And it is futile to keep examining it in your mind by yourself.

Please do not do this, they/it/whatever it is/was has moved on, changed or left. So stop to sit and think about how your mind can be a booby trap that can and will pull you down the long spiral staircase of you again, to places you really don’t want to be and have worked very hard to get away from.

If we could just let people go to catch the divine pass of intervention in front of us, we could edge forward into an awakening of such delight, but we are afraid when we feel alone because we haven’t found the strength inside of ourselves to stand up and be completely self-loved. Blaming our pain instead of reclaiming our youth and grow while raising up as we all should and can.

Internal Narcissus believes we are the light inside of us calling us home, and we have had the power all along.

Always,
Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Internal Narcissus LA TALK Flyer(1)

Forth-Brain

Feb 20, 2015

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Mining the Soul From the Inside: CH 3 The Brain. Q: Consider the information in this chapter about how the brain works. Discuss the implications and potential applications of this information when it comes to processes of human transformation.

It is apparent that transformation is possible within the human brain. Looking at the model of the brain, and its three different components assure this. First we have the reptile brain, second we have the mammal brain, and third we have the human brain. This shows that we did not only evolve, but kept everything in tact as we dug in to move forward. Never loosing important information and lessons simulated. An intact transformation from one evolution to the next in cellular memory of story as memories in lessons learned from the beginning of time, or our time at least. So I quarry, is there enough room in our head to grow bigger ~ maybe have another evolution of the brain?

We have three different frames that have developed over time.
1. The limbic system
2. The neocortex
3. The primitive brain

What if there was a forth-coming, and yes this pun was intended. What if the fourth brain was a higher bred compilation of all three that we could use at once skillfully, may I suggest even, maybe gracefully? Moving fluidly with each thought within the other not in miscues of misunderstanding in outdated software. But, in real time being able to extrapolate and assess situations bringing us together sooner than the long drawn out process of thinking that we are currently using? Finally able to catch up to ourselves in the now and able to rationalize that we will not die from a spider bite any longer; there are cures for spider bites. Simulating that it is more dangerous to get into a motor vehicle and drive at speeds of 60 to 80 miles an hour. Seriously, more people die from car accidents each year than spider bites, so the mismatched fear attached to both of these situations is not logical.

I want to use a brain where we see no difference between the differences in each other on the outside. Instead we are able to trust instinctively the feelings that we feel resonating in our gut from the other person (yes I am talking about reading their energy and using intuition) as to whether they will harm us or not. Finally understanding that every action is neutral until we assign an emotion to it and that we are in control of the balance in our lives. Thus causing our species to react more sensibly and less irrationally, for is this not what we are working for as a species anyway? In every day that we try to show by being living examples how to be more compassionate, think before we speak, and process before we react. A world where we are doing the tough inner child work to clean the wounds of perception to a blank slate. Electing to not react from a fear based model, but from a truth model connected from heart to brain.

Maybe our heart is this fourth brain, I suggest, and moving from mind based actions to heart based is part of the master plan. For we are pure love designed to excel at love and forgiveness. Learning how to get along with each other in the here and now, so as to better understand and make sense of the things that are happening to us in real time. Loosening old facts and old knowledge buried deep within our DNA that do not pertain to the natural day occurrences that we live in. Liberating our cosmic DNA, so we can live happily in the fourth brain coming, a tandem brain of heart. (James A. Anderson and Edward Rosenfield, EBS., Neurocomputing. Foundations of research Cambridge MIT press oh, 1988, page 2). “ from the inside out certain situations repeat over and over for every member of a species. For example, frogs have to be very good at recognizing flies or they will go hungry. Humans have to be very good at recognizing faces or they can’t function within any human social structure. So there has to be a great deal of specificity in what is stored in the brain.”

So could it not be said that what is stored in our heart memories maybe the next jump in the evolution of the human brain? I tried to look up online and there was nothing of my theory or hypothesis around a fourth/forth brain in the evolution of man (yet).

Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

“I found what was holding me back from being loving was me expecting everything to be done for me. I was a grown women still caught up in being a girl. Stranded in my relationships, always waiting…” Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

A few days ago spirit said look for a meme to share; roll through the ones on your phone, scroll fast and just stop on one. I stopped on a black and white meme that said “Girls want attention, Women want respect.” When I read this meme it clicked that I had to go find and share words from my lessons learned in my 2nd 90 day transformation. These are the first words that I found: I had been waiting for attention as a child waits for attention from their parents or others; wanting to give love and be loved, but not realizing I was waiting for some kind of silent confirmation that it was already there.”

I believe this happens when our hearts are broken early in life then again and again on top of each loss as we plunder forward. There was a little girl stuck inside this woman who had been playing the poker game of her life; a slow stacking of hearts in a long wager of doubling down while issuing soft taps of the heart behind pursed lips whispering “pass.” The kitty, a goldmine of glass slippers in the different sizes of stunted hope, or at least this is how it felt.

I woke up this day; woke from a slumber deeper then I could’ve ever imagined. Kissed on the lips from my awakenings of soul work, and thankful for there was no way for me to give and receive love freely until I found all of the blocks that were keeping me from the real intimacy that I was seeking. In truth I was the only one holding me back, and I was the only one that could release me forward into the light. The sorrow was almost debilitating as the patterns of past relationships started playing in slow motion right before my eyes, highlighting and underscoring all parts played in the epic fails of my loves and losses. Yet, this is my journey, that was my life, and I fought to dissolve those trappings of lost vanities and unknown toxins, so I could resurrect to walk free in the now, so be it.

Finally a card carrying adult. A woman in her prime, full of love not fear, free to honor not control, and all while building love and trust through open and honest communication. Excited to trust, and exuberant in believing that I was finally enough; that I am worthy of another human being’s time, space, and intimacy. That I can now love someone the whole way though and back, for exactly who they are and not attach my fear or doubts acquired from my life journeys to another in real time ever again.

My 2nd 90 day transformation centered solely on clearing my throat chakra and reopening my heart chakra, so I could speak my truth, and I will add now, to find it also. Unknowingly taking me to places I never knew existed ~ dark and painful places, excruciating and blinding places, but ones I had created over my whole life in each step I had taken until I could walk no further. Sitting down defiantly in what would become my dark night of the soul. ~ Honestly I did not believe in them, but know better now, and still would not trade one step or lesson learned that brought me there, for I believe God has his hand on everyone and everything always. So I chose to honor my life and accept all of it as was…

Now, I no longer want attention like a child or wait for somebody to give love to me because love like that is not real, but left over emotions challenging us to be cleared. ~ I resurrected in real love, and real love does not bind, it is seamless and fearless. I learned that we have to become love because we are love, we are not separate from it.

I am awake in my being and present in my mind, body, and soul. Ready to give more and receive more, respect more and honor more, and most importantly can do so in times of fear. Never taking love for granted, and knowing when to slow down to listen further if old expectations crowd in trying to shatter all good works done to derail present day serenity. For life will test us, and we will reward it by respecting our process and always doing the next right thing ~ no matter what or how hard it is, or what it looks like on the outside to anyone else.

Internal Narcissus believes we get what we give ourselves, and what we give ourselves is what we give to others; a never ending circle of divine energies that must flow with a pureness that defies gravity and can move mountains because it is the real deal. That if life is a game we can win in knowing that we have to clean house again and again as new lessons are presented, trust in the not knowing that the dust will settle, and that windows will one day stream truth from the well of our solar plexus of existence. Filling us with the abundance of peace and happiness that we co-create with God and the Universe while wearing both perfectly sized glass slippers.

I have so much more to keep sharing and I will as spirit moves.

~ Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

“I live in the now, so I’ve already won.” ~ Kellie J. Wright

My life is guided by God, moon, and sun. There are no clothes or veils to bind me for time has lifted leaving me quite undone. Eyes wide open from first cosmic shifts: recognition and obedience to intuition no longer a chance. Perception is my vision, levity my gait as I walk through another precipice restored by fate. In each step taken my feet sink deeper in ~ to whisper a promise to, Mother Earth, Yes, I am here, I am ready, and it is time to begin. This seekers questing gives way to the next round of alms; lifting my head higher in a mental “holding on tighter” to all of the guides and stars I have ever known. It is easier this way, so much simpler indeed when “and so it is” divides into a deeper meaning of all that is and all that will ever be. It is time to awaken and remember this sacred verse, we are all children of, God in this vast Universe.

Dream works gave me “If I am in the now, I have already won.” Meaning that I have jumped resonance and am on a next level up. For in the short time span of fifteen days, I was shown and moved in not so many comfortable ways. All on purpose though I can assure you this, it was to push me to dig deeper, to listen further, and open next fissures in my internal awareness. What I was shown agitated me enough to take three days of silent self-care and meditation to listen further and find my truths, and I did. As spirit would have it, I was shown that I already have a strong foundation in my sobriety. There was no need to re-learn this one thing inside-out, inside was all I needed. See, God is not outside of me he is inside of me and this was the catch that I could not hear when thinking I had to re-learn lessons I had already been given. My white light experience on March 15, 2015 assimilated these learning’s on a molecular level, so my gift is permanent if I stay in the now. There was no need to explain this to me again, I was full on ready for my next steps in my journey. I got it; another door opens and I ever faithful student follow through without hesitation.

What this means is that I was freed in totally accepting that I already have a strong foundation to stand on. That where and what I am right now is what I accomplished and fought so hard for in the last two years; especially in my 2nd 90 day transformation that ended December 28, 2015. This culmination of successive water works and deep meditative dream works done while working on my heart and throat chakra’s gave me all that I needed to free myself to speak my truth out loud from the heart. No longer trapped in mind based thinking; rather a tandem of thoughtfulness connected back and forth to both. It was a battle that this warrior child won, and I AM now in the now. This acceptance coupled with another surrender on knees, forehead to ground, face to praying hands, pleading thy will not mine provided next steps; and I was on my way to New Mexico to study and heal with a medicine woman whom I had not met, ~ but that has been put on cosmic hold for now.

The Sky Valley Desert has me in her grips and I will be here digging in to see what is next, for spirit has shown me a few unknowns and reminded me I have a few commitments still to sew. I am standing tall and strong resolute in my truths. Healthy and happy taking that next right step to plunge feet first deep into the waters of my awakenings. Sinking slowly with no fear and complete joy at how far I have come, and what I have now; ready to resurrect IN Radio, plan IN’s first spiritual retreat, and publish my first book of blogs ~ All while earning a Transpersonal Degree in Psychology. The days are long and the nights are short, but I am wide awake in the now, so God and my Aunt assure me that I have already won.

Follow me on my journey, yours too if you like, as I grow and live out loud from the center of my wide open heart.

Light, Life, and Love, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

“What are our lives worth here if we do not know who we are? If we do not know that we can shake this masters shift clearing the residues of past and weights of presumed memories and blocks keeping us from the light in the truth of all. ~ It is not time we awakened to be present and accounted for, so we can shine bright in the hues of our own intentions?”
Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

When I think about my life and all the twists and turns it has taken over the last year and ten months, nothing could have prepared me for the way that it feels. For we can know what we want, but until we are able to be it, we will know nothing of it. I am a seer and a healer. I listen further, and I dive deeper guided by instincts leading me to a more peaceful and truthful existence within the intentions of my moments.

I cannot know what this looks like on me; I only feel that sometimes it must look awkward, selfish, and consuming. I would be lying if I did not admit at times that it has not felt this way too, but I can do nothing else ~ it is the rose in the flame of gold that keeps me coming back questing further into the light in the dark calling me home. My work and mind are a double knowing of things made available through spirit, so to catch the outside up with what is being brought forward and transmitted from the inside. As I trek this masters path that I can no longer deny; I must be who I have come to be and will shine bright in the frequencies of my calling continuing to grow and share out loud all in the hopes to inspire others.

Please stay with me on my journey as it has already shown me new things that will come that I could not have imagined until I got here. Here being where I am truly in this moment in my life. The further we go in the more we are shown, and I cannot turn away or back now. This is a re-dedication to self: mind, body, and spirit. Acknowledging that the days and my mind are busier than ever, and affirming that I am ready for worlds of shifting in ways I never could have perceived. So it is with great love and much wonderment that I sit here totally amazed in my new life, sharing and growing with these beautiful women that spirit has brought together to learn and live with, and staying in the knowing that as I am, so are they teaching me so many new levels of divinity.

Reveling in the cave of my wide open heart; ready to decorate it in echo’s of pure joy as I bounce up-and-down on the heels of my imagining while breathing in and laughing out as I hold my belly calling, Oly, Oly, Oxen Free.

Always,
Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus