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Youtube

Aug 19, 2015

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This morning I saw that my FB friend from Australia, Robert Mittiga, liked a comment on one of my old posts with my youtube page link. It took me back in time to my 2nd 90 day transformation that was to become Organized in mind, body, and soul. I was spirit led from my home state of Washington to Malibu, CA for Oct and Nov at a retreat in Latigo Canyon ~ then back and forth between WA state and LA during the holiday’s before I was again spirit led to Sky Valley, CA. Wow!!! Looking back now….that was wild. 🙂

I checked-IN by video blog for 13 weeks as I lived and grew out loud. You can watch the transformation and the toll it took on me, for this transformation was intense and took me to the dark night of my soul. Fortunately, I made it, and you will too…take a chance to change the way you feel about yourself by doing the hard soul work. I promise you that the other side of you is so amazing! I am more than ever an Internal Narcissus, are you?

Follow me on my journey as it continues during my 3rd transformation that is a transformation in body…believe me it is not what it sounds like, but those results are turning out to be pretty amazing side effects/perks…

Here is the link to the my you tube videos, if you care to check them out, and please share them too because it is from and through each other that we grow in our greatest leaps and bounds! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMAv2OzI5CoUJEqf8XHyV7w/videos

Finally Comfortable IN My Own Skin, Kellie J. Wright ~ #internalnarcissus #transformations #mentalhealth #onelove #selflove #worldwideselflove #blogger #author #youdeservetoknowthetruth #shinebrightin YOU!!!

Swimming

Jul 30, 2015

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“We do not change the world, the world changes us.” Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Last night, Caz, jokingly said to me “What do you think you are going to do change the world?” I said no, we cannot change the world ~ the world changes us. I will add that it is how we change ourselves internally that will shift our words round delivering an awakening of self-love that can range world-wide. Opening our hearts to truly love ourselves and others while participating in real-time as our authentic selves. My last two and half years did just this ~ thankful and full of gratitude I am finally at home in my mind.

I took this picture early this morning after my daily meditation, laps, and sit ups that have become a part of my morning routine in this 3rd 90 day transformation; this one is to transform the body. I am awakening my core resonance from the inside out touching every sinew of its flesh, organs, and all the lovely bones and joints in-between. This is so I can be present in both mind and body. I believe it is imperative that once we heal the mind we must heal the body, for the total mind body connection. This is the only way to truly be free to connect to spirit 100% in every level of the senses here on planet earth.

The picture attached to this blog is one that I want to share to show the beauty of the place that spirit led me and where I live, love, and heal more intensely each and every day. Finding and having true love, participating in daily: meditation, chakra balancing, swimming, power-walking, weights, mineral spas, and diet are all part of my morning and night rituals in this second round of awakening and healing that is setting this cosmic-spiritual-misfit on fire!

I have been moved to offer one-on-one retreats and am taking reservations. Each visit is personal and in real-time with spirit led conversations, meditations, yoga, planned meals, spa and mineral baths, and lots of rest and alone time to listen further. Contact me by email kellie@internalnarcissus.com ~ And so it is. Thy Will Not Thine.

I am Growing-IN and getting stronger every day with the intentions of my breath and desire to have a life worth having and sharing with others. Ready to guide and be with those who are ready for the next steps in their journey. While always insisting that we do not need to go far to find the oasis of our hearts to connect in real-time. Sending Love and Light.

Finally Comfortable IN My Own Skin,
Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus at Heart

Photo credit: Kellie J ~ Sky Valley, CA.

Distant Stars

Jul 15, 2015

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Distant Stars

The hardest part about finding true love is not letting it die when the duality of love and fear are rising inside the bodies of two lovers who want nothing more than to hold each other while staring into each other’s eyes. Desperately wanting to feel completely safe so they can be open, honest, foldable, and vulnerable. All in the middle of real-time knowing that certain words and frequencies are amplifying and clouding all reason in their galaxy of celestial stars.

Two shooting stars becoming distant and hazy in the sedation of wondering if they should let go when they so very want to hold on. Or, if they should hold on when they feel like they can no longer take the pain and just let go? Railing against the skin of their atmosphere holding them hostages while holding onto and trying to remember that God has his hand on everyone and everything, and that this is their chance for real growth.

In the distance finding faith to let go and let each other be just long enough to catch their next breath, find sure footing, and space to air out thoughts. Time to rest and to center their inherently good intentions that are being mixed to a volatile cocktail with their totally understandable, but misperceived proportions of doubt rising in flames trying to dim the sky of their hearts horizons.

I believe the most important part about loving someone is to love the things that we do not necessary like about them too. Honoring their humanness and well as their divineness: their darkness just as much as their sunlight. Insisting that loving someone means loving their ugly parts as well: the parts that are mean, fearful, and vicious at times ~ maybe even quirky. Our mask of fear worn for protection in the most fearful of times that still are being worked on in real-time participation. Yes, we all have them, we cannot deny, stuff, or try to hide them, because these masks are a part of who we are: the dark in the light of our universe.

This is why at Internal Narcissus we say that we have to love our self and others the whole way through. This duality can be very consuming almost devastating when it is a happening in real-time stings with our love ~ frequencies attached to old fears, past residues tied to negative thoughts left to wreck havoc on peaceful and loving minds will happen, and it feels and looks different on everyone; it is our pain.

And if you do not care, it will not hurt, but if you do, it will hurt more than anything in the world. The pain of not be able to calm your love in the throes of fear is the most consuming pain and can take you to places that you do not want to go, but there you are, weightless. Spinning in this cellular dark matter, pulling and pushing both parties to become distant stars, but Shooting Stars know better than to follow. So we rail and fight for love, but then there is that point, that one point, where so much has been taken, too much, and we fall…

Fall to the ground eyes tired giving way to flows of water because you feel you have lost, and think you feel nothing. Stuck hovering near your chest wondering if you could ever love them again. That their fear has won, stripping you of every feeling. Left drained, defeated asking if you could feel for them again, but then a light shifts and you calm, recalling that you know you have before. ~ Then the clouds part and a real first, fresh, deep breath is taken. The light has beat the dark again. The sun is shinning bright, love prevails and lessons of faith and trust now run deeper. New knowledge of each other has been assimilated, intimacy has returned in a robust and deeper red, and the bonds already strong are strengthened as the two shooting stars find their way home: which I believe is the safety of each others arms and hearts.

Internal Narcissus believes Love is a story that needs tending and care, whether we choose to the love someone and ourselves the whole way through or not. Encouraging everyone to find your light and dark, and know it well. Share it with your love, so you can help each other grow and brave internal storms. Mapping pathways to clarity when lightening strikes, so as to rail against the intruder fear. For Fear does not care for our happiness outside of us, it only wants to protect us from perceived pain inside. This is why we must heal our hearts, change our stories, clear blocks and triggers, and always, I mean always, grow slow while choosing to linger in love ~ both its dark and its light.

Finally Comfortable in My Own Skin,
Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Father

Jun 21, 2015

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Today in commemoration of Father’s Day. I think about the three fathers that I have and how each raised me, the three uncles that married in and become a really big part of my upbringing, plus one blood uncle who was too for a brief minute in time. For it all too real that it takes a village and that we all rise when we raise others.

As children we cannot know the sacrifices our parents made, or why they had to make the decisions that they did, or how they gave up all to try and do the best they could when it looked like something else on the outside. I have my biological father, my father who raised me from eight weeks old to a tween, and my father who raised me from tween and is still the only father I’ve really ever known. He has lifted me up and supported me through all the good and the bad, and never stopped loving me the whole way through.

This shows that all lives are never easy, and the strength of some who are able to push down their own dreams and desires to provide and take care of their own. Sometimes with no other reward but the love of doing it and knowing that they are making a difference. It is in this moment that I would like to take this moment to tell my stepfather and daddy, James Strait, thank you. Also, to thank all the men mentioned above that helped raise me, thank you, for being in my life and each of their perfect gifts of being exactly who they were that helped me to become exactly who I AM.

Life is ever-changing and as we move and grow the best we can do to honor those we love and whom have loved us is to love them back the whole way through. Wishing love and happiness to them whether we see them or not. I am a firm believer in that we create the reality of our lives through our thoughts and dreams. That our life energies becomes the energy of our thoughts, and what we think about others, buried memories or present day, define and effect us and them in real-them.

So it is imperative that we be careful that we try not to judge and that we do our best to honor others and ourselves. Dig deep to find the truth and seek the honest answers of our stories. Internal Narcissus believes that we are all humans trying. That love, laughter, and breathing are the three crowning gifts given to us at birth that are woven into our internal DNA. That when we deny them is when we are sad and when we rage out against others and self. Causing internal and external wars ~ sometimes as close as the same bed, as as close as our own head. Thoughts that orchestrate our most passionate relationships to the ones that wage throughout the common day extending out to the boundaries of our placement, cities, states, continents, and other far reaches of this planet…I believe even further.

I pray today on Father’s Day that all fathers are loved and cherished for doing the best that they could or could not with the only tools they had at that time. Believing that we must honor the men in our lives for they to need feel loved and cherished just as much as the women and children do. So Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there including our most dearest father, Creator, who brings abundance to our lives everyday and has his hand on each and every one of us to learn who we came to be, and is ready to lift the veil of confusion at any second, so he can connect in real time with us once we realize he has always been there deep inside and within us.

Always,
Kellie J ~

Stop

Jun 13, 2015

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The problem that happens when we try to stop loving someone because we feel pain is that we are blocking ourselves from growth. We do this when we draw lines, tell ourselves we do not care, or know we care but cannot sit through the surrender of not knowing: all facilitated by trying to control our mind and the outcomes of situations by putting up stop signs, resurrecting walls, or all the shocking and glorious ways there are to block people in these modern days. The problem with this is that we are only hurting ourselves with a short term fix to an intended lesson of growth. The distance created an illusion in our mind keeping us from the truth of our feelings.

Honestly there is no graceful way to let go of something you want or love just by saying it is over. It really has to be a “letting be.” Feeding the love or hope of with love, and loving all the way through without expectations. Releasing the person to be free and in so releasing your self, so you can be free.

To do this one must walk in real time love choosing to be a vehicle for love. Transmuting love from the highest frequency, so the pain will dissipate, only then can one move on or maybe grow through the lesson provided. If love of another is in question the turn to self, love self, be with God/Higher Power, and know this to shall pass. If we can stop and listen further and be open to what will become; I think we will be amazed. It really is Expectations that turn love into fear, anger, jealousy, pain, and condemnation for either party, or maybe both.

This is not a pretty circle when fighting abandonment issues, and insecurities from having been cheated on and lied to. It is like coming at fear as a south paw when you are a righty. I am usually very good at separating the current happenings from old feelings, but man, when lighting strikes and perceived foundations shake all reason can leave in a heartbeat. No one is immune, if we have not done the work and practiced it. I say this because the people who would be immune would never be in these situations they have graduated past these lessons.

I have a blog called Moving and it talks about lessons learned are no good until we are back in life participating in real time and can be in participation with another. The last couple days has proven to be some of those days for me. I have had an internal fight to rail agains the intruder and foe of Fear; fear won. I was so close, but all situation are different. I fought valiantly to keep myself ahead of this unknowingness and the things that I’ve worked so hard for in the past two and half years to reign supreme, but until you are in real time doing this you do not know what will happen. The things I learned now being pulled out again to reexamine, so as to try to be stronger and not kill what I want or am in.

I am now taking time to sit down with self and remember the goal is to get to a place where I can let people be themselves and can love openly and freely. Letting love be free to fluctuate and grow in the frequencies that it is, so people and relationships can breathe and feel new. Once learned we will not STOP in the middle of a happening, and will allow for things to move back and forth naturally. Honoring the forward and backward steady ebb of slowly opening up self again to the peace and wonder of intimacy and love, and in doing so will always find a way to stay in a state of grace with open arms that are full of love, and maybe even grow.

Internal Narcissus believes that we have to rally against the intruder of Fear, the mind killer and trickster that will try to protect us when perceived foundations shake, but always do more harm than good. I was tested and could not stand up in my pain today, I faltered, and I am now going back to the blogs…the ones that were written to free me and surly need revisiting.

Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Prepackaged

Jun 7, 2015

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“Everything we are sold is prepackaged. Our food is prepackaged, our houses are prepackaged, our music is prepackaged, our entertainment is prepackaged; do not let them prepackage your soul.” Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Everything in life is pieced together. Hand walked and mysteriously led as we blend and move in words and pictures. Visual stimulus and ocular orgasms conjured through rhythm, rhyme, tempo, and color. A coded psychology to put us into boxes of packaging for societies desired wishes and outcomes; but our internal readers know better.

They say follow your rhythm and tempo, follow anything that leads from the heart, from your soul strand. Do not let this mainstream world package your shine. Create your own packaging, design a label of your personal branding, the one you came with, for this is what our world needs.

It does not need us to redesign our bodies, or unfold our hearts to redress them in the latest fad. Rather we need to press ourselves out to the edges ~ stretching out as far and wide as we can to tend our pain and sorrows. Washing self clean with love and forgiveness while shaking out the poisons, toxins, fears, and restlessness. Yes, these are the items of prepackaging that we must eradicate, so that we can shine bright in the hues of our own intentions.

Choosing to tattoo love and joy across our bodies knowing that they will never fade or die. Creating testimonies and testaments to package the passions and travesties that have gone on or within, but are all still LOVE. Taking life as our gift in anyway that it goes, and knowing that our internal intentions and desires are brilliantly ours, and we suffer when we are not being true to our self. We must cleanse the Walls of our hearts. Take off all the designer brands, labels, miscued: assignments, arguments, and soundbites, and anything else that is bindings us that simply does not belong.

Stripping down to our nakedness while running through the rain of our heart that is cleansing our inherently good intentions. Yes, Hard Rain to dissolve all the triggers and blocks meant to open us up to the beauty that is us in the undivided quarters of the internal byways of our mind, bodies, and souls.

Internal Narcissus is refusing to suffer, anymore, from wrong packaging. Making a declaration to stand up resolute in how far I will let this unpack-aging take and excite me forward. For it is all too clear that we must be sure of what we are feeling, what we are thinking, what we think we know, so as to not let the weight of this worlds illusions keep us from the participating in what is the greatest joy of a human heart; which I believe is to give and receive love freely.

It is in this declaration that my words and thoughts become my own. Deciding to throw away unfinished songs, and create new ones, for Love is the master plan and we are never too old nor too far away from source or the long and winding road home we call love.

Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Patience

May 31, 2015

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Patience, she’s a virtue, she’s a star, she has hope sewn into the curtsy of her bow. She’s a titaness, she’s a replica of what is and what will be. She asks me to be kind and gentle with myself and slows me down in the middle of my day when my heartbeats hurry; there’s time she says, always more time.

Never look back she says, for you cannot catch up to something that is behind you. Keep your eyes steadily forward she says, take your time, go slowly, and focus on the horizon of your thoughts as you meditate them into a brand-new day with your good intentions and carefully chosen words.

Patience please, ahem, do not mix her up with her twin sister, Persistence. For if time is money and time waits for no one; Patience is fine right where she is. Patience catches her breath as she steps slower into the step that she thought she was going to step quicker into righting the circumference of her heart because she has knowledge of what really matters.

She is not a top 40 hit or a rock ballad ~ No, she is a sweet concerto of honorary first seats as solid as their second chair counter parts. High backed and sturdy, Patience knows her part is easy, she has walked slow enough next to Persistence while holding her hand that she memorized all of her parts: an understudy to a principle is as patient as persistence gets.

Patience showed up every day on time, and she listened to each and every word the whole way through. She came to learn not to pass-time, she presented things with care, she rose to the top. Happy enough with her journey of what she came here to do ~ not the one that was sold, given, or insisted upon her. Patience was Persistent in the one area of her life that meant the most to her, and that was her certainty of and in God.

Internal Narcissus believes Patience is Persistence and together they can weave a fire into your heart that can give you the strength to find out what really matters, so you may know the truth.

Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Grace

May 24, 2015

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Grace was originally written the end of 2013.

Sometimes there are greater doors behind little doors that if untouched or unaffected can never be seen. Which door do you see? Which self is the cause of the blindness, and are there truths there that are more than the ones already known?

Life can be painful when you see yourself in a mirror full of you/s. I know because I have looked at and through myself for years having many thoughts come and go changing from campaigns to slogans of virtue for hope; but always missed the next step the one that is so human to the core, and lost in the tiresome daily mix of giving and wanting. To live a life full of Grace.

I have often said that my next step in life is to live a life full of grace, but wow until the last few days I did not know what that would involve. I did not understand the concept truly and it is only now another mystery being brought into the light that shows and cries to me why?

See, I think that when we surround ourselves in likeness some things get missed because the people whom we see ourselves in are mixed with the sameness of each other or at the least the appearance of; and it was only when I was able to look at myself as a fish out of water, completely unrecognized in the silence of a different reality that I could feel parts of my selfish behavior pulling at me and making me feel things intermittently that I could not stop myself from. Ahh, so frustrating and fragile in this new knowledge of self, and it was not a fun place. But, I believe growing is not always comfortable and looking at oneself completely stripped of pride, ego, and envy can be the harshest reality of all.

My truth is that it is easy to say that one wants to live a life full of grace, and I believe it can be done, but what I have found is that it is most certain to feel this way if things are going your way. ~ When one is content and all needs (selfish and unselfish are being met). But, once my needs were not being met the façade fell and changed to fear and anxiety; causing my mind to try magnificently to get back to the mirrors that would tend my vanity and be closer to the nearest hearth that felt safe.

I could see this, name it, and point it out as it was happening, so the peaceful times far outweighed the fear and anxiety that creped in, but not being able to stamp it out brought tension to my heart. I understood this was all new so gave myself a break and time to sort it out, but was so thankful of being keenly aware of the difference.

I believe to live a life of grace you have to be selfless and to love someone you have to love them selflessly. Love is not about oneself it is about caring, tending, protecting, and loving others. I believe that is what to live a life full of Grace is; it is serving and tending to others. Yesterday was a deep thinking day, one where I saw lines and maps in my life and distinctions that I have never intended to use or want between men and women. I saw clear and it was nice and it was what I want, to be a woman, mother, wife, confidant, and friend. A better daughter, niece, sister, cousin, and aunt too.

The true beauty of grace had been lost or never known to me. I did not have the role models for it; I had strength and perseverance at all costs shown to me. I had no male role models either. I had love and loyalty, but I found or chose very early that I had to take care of me. I lost what it was to see the world as either graceful or safe.
I am happy that I still have time to learn and clear these lessons.

I want to be better at loving without expectations. I want to feel peace in my presence and I want to be a person who loves selflessly and gives tirelessly surrounded by people who do the same. I know it will not be easy and that there are times my spoiled nature will try to best me, but I know with prayer, meditation, and faith that I can become the woman I never wanted to be because I thought they were boring and weak, but have found are exactly the opposite: they are strong and brave and selfless putting themselves last and others first and knowing that the good of all is better than the good of one.

Always,
Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

Cave

May 17, 2015

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“THE CAVE YOU FEAR TO ENTER HOLDS THE TREASURE YOU SEEEK ~ JOSEPH CAMPBELL

It was all in capital letter, it struck me deeply when I read it and these words came to me. I wrote Cave on December 28, 2013, and I made it an official blog today.

My favorite passage from the Bible is, LUKE 12:34 – For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. So, could then our heart not be a cave? Is it not a place deep and full of mystery with many caverns and crevasses maybe ice crystals and lost treasures? Where is it that our caves lead us and what is it that our hearts hold; and how do we come to the conclusions, or how do we find the distance to bridge the patterns and trails of lost hopes and dreams mingled with the buried treasures within?

See this is where we have to put on our thinking caps and hiking boots to get ready for an excavation of the heart and cave kind. We need to re-map and re-trail new passages of clarity. See I believe there is no place for fear in the cave of the heart. That we must put past fears away, give them to the universe to tend, but we should not hold them in our heart for then we cannot linger in love. Love is truly a gift and to feel it without fear is the most precious of all feelings in the world. Fear will only cloud beauty and the goodness that love should inspire and motivate within one’s heart. Yes, it is okay to catch a glimmer of fear, but it very quickly should be put to bed in another place of mind.

My truth is there is no room for fear in love and love is the most important creature that resides inside the heart of our cave. So we should tend her as if she were something more important than anything at all ~ because without that fiercely protected feeling “feeling perfectly safe” she cannot give us what we need to exist in the middle of a loving universe of self.

Yes, if our heart is a cave then my truth is our mind is our universe and together we can go back-and-forth between each other, but it is only with careful attention to detail and meditation through intent and deep thought that love can participation in our lives. All so we can thrive within ourselves and create the life that we so wish. So as you go out today to reroute your cave and help pave the roads between you and your universe please remember that love is the only thing that matters, but to have love we must learn acceptance of self and others. Only then will our love know that “safe” feeling, and that there are others to match it and slowly begin to breathe then let go to the beauty that is us and all.

Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus

Perfect Pitch

May 10, 2015

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“My love for you is unconditional. It does not wax or wane with the draw of the moon. It does not hide when sunny days are inept; it is alive and bright on the inside. Pulsing in the hues of your intentions inside the whispers of your beating life force. An internal gift from source allowing you to know that I am with you always, and we are one. A universal song of creation in the hum of your personal signature and key.” ~ Whispers from my mind.

So, I ask which key will you tune yourself to today? Which note will you use to unlock your path? The one outside that is not a perfect fit, but gets you half way through, or the one that you were born with that gives access to the kingdom?

I know sometimes it is hard to hear that perfect pitch inside of us. Sometimes taking it for granted or at other times because it is blocked by the fracture of fear. I know this because I was tone deaf to my own reasoning for a long time while on the path that led me to the here and now, but this song is strong and sewn into the forever part of us, so it cannot leave only fall out of tune. So please remember to be mindful that we are in control of the retuning of our heart-strings.

Maestro of our own injunction, ushering in the first new cords of acceptance and love each and every brand new day; for nothing outside of us can complete us we must complete ourselves. Then and only then can we connect to the wonder in us that has always been and always will be in perfect pitch.

Love Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus at Heart
One world, one love, one people, one song.