Dec 18, 2016


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Dear INner Circle,

This year has been one of reckoning with self, a breaking of cycles, and diving back IN to look at unwanted actions, or reactions, so to plot out the dark in me. I had to meet her where she stood, most assuredly not a child anymore, rather a full grown woman more sure of who she was. I met her face-to-face in the now of each happening, and as fate would have it, each time we greeted one another it was, blessedly on more peaceful terms.

Finding joy in each others company because I no longer beat the hell out of her like I used too. No more shaming mistakes in private from behind closed doors in our inner sanctum where only we exist. No, we had become friends in this journey, and even learned to laugh and comfort each other in our misunderstanding’s of how we became. The Janus of our coin, the process of refinement through fire. A forging of past and present into one as we mentally dueled and danced then conceded to balance.

The works processed in the last 4 years had created a woman more at ease with life, and so the same happened in the one-off dark happenings when they arose, and they did because they had too. Make no mistake, this is as dark as it gets, for seven deadly sins work is no joking matter; it is tribal, ritual, celestial. Freewill dressed in longing disguised as want in the form of need. I won, yet at a cost, but one I am gladly recovering from, no matter. Left feeling frail and empty at times, overwhelmed and withdrawn at others. I liken it to a spiritual concussion of multi proportions. All my doing though, for I walked sometimes ran head-on, until I hit the last door of me, literally.

Cocooned, still recovering from myself: self pity, self judgement, self adoration, self denying, self indulgence, self covering, self wonderment, self understanding, and self surrender. Other times amazed at self: self love, self confidence, self control, self worth, self preservation, and self acceptance. All to become selfless, so to be selflessness, not for me, but to be…free.

Through eyes wide shut and open this work has shown time and time again that we can only meet another as far as we have met ourselves, and that who we are with ourselves (whether we know it or not, both good and bad) is who and how we are with another, always ~ I am…I am another..Get it. 😉

Also that we do not see ourselves, no matter how much we think we do, and that we do not know ourselves until we do. Learning to listen is imperative, learning to accept others as they are and to be with them when they are being who they are, too. This is the precipice of the work in a nutshell: if we are not listening to or accepting others in this fashion then we are not doing it, for ourself either. Advice ~ listen further.

Enigmatically do not fool yourself, rather be foolish to find this out. Take a chance to be the Echo in your mirror of illusion. The one that concocts you as you are right now. Stepping through the glass is how we break the darkness. We do not need to fall down a hole to seek the light begging us to feel through every situation to hatch the solstice of our soul. We just have to know we can look for it, our soul.

I still cannot believe I am home and still have no idea exactly who I am because I get to decide. The newness of 2017 is just starting to come sparkling IN/and through. I see there is much wonderment and many revelations to come, but I am not totally in my flow right now, I am tired. A nubile, strong, rosebud blooming slowly in the cold grace of winter. Steadily while clinging to the assimilations and upgrades earned in awareness. Still clutching to the arsenal of tools hard fought for and won. Content that this is the way that I designed my life to be. It is so clear now when looking back at the millions of steps and many roads, thankfully, taken. Never more secure in the belief that if we become who we came to be then, I am.

Internal Narcissus believes self confidence is a hue from the spectrum of love. Put there by creator to lead us backward in mind to find our internal pilot light. The one we came with, but was blown out before we knew. Once found and lit in real time reunites us with spirit to claim our mental health. Where we can create a daily practice to tend its hearth-fire fiercely, so we can shine bright in the hues of our own intentions, and infinity of each new day.

Believing that everything we want to know about ourselves, we already do. The good and the bad, and that if those beliefs consistently lead us to pain, fear, anxiety, and loss that we can know something different. We can decide to wage a personal war against those thoughts that tend the bad feelings, and change the way we feel about ourselves one thought at a time. I know that every person is beautiful and worthy of love, respect, and freedom from emotional abuse because I am too.

Tending this knowledge allows grace, it assures that surely we may never know the why’s, but can direct the moments in our life, so perfectly, that each time we come up for air we will bloom again in the spring after each little death. A daffodil brimming in a mythopoeic constitution of oneness.

Daffodil noun
1. a bulbous plant, Narcissus pseudonarcissus, of the amaryllis family, having solitary, yellow, nodding flowers that bloom in the spring.
2. (formerly) any plant of the genus Narcissus.
3. clear yellow; canary.

Internal Narcissus wishes there is a way to show all is one, but this journey is a personal journey, no two are alike, so this means you are personally waiting on you to: know it, see it, feel it, meet you. No one can compete with all the banter in your head, or the outside world that is created by you, except you. The answer is always, you, so you must fight for you, and cherish yourself as you would another.

But we can want, oh and we do want, we can dream, oh and we do dream, but until we believe we are worthy of what we want and take steps to create a new dream by telling ourselves a new story…we will not bridge the first steps to be the change we wish to see in ourselves, or change the way we feel about anything, or anybody.

Beautifully this is not new science, but this is taking charge of your perception (something used every millisecond of the day) that you use to interact with self and the world around you.

Perception noun
1. the act or faculty of perceiving, or apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding.
2. immediate or intuitive recognition or appreciation, as of moral, psychological, or aesthetic qualities; insight; intuition; discernment:
an artist of rare perception.
3. the result or product of perceiving, as distinguished from the act of perceiving; percept.
4. Psychology. a single unified awareness derived from sensory processes while a stimulus is present.
5. Law. the taking into possession of rents, crops, profits, etc.

Understand this is defying work. It defies the reasoning you know and use currently, or parts of it, anyway. It is good to remember that this is not about right or wrong AND dumb or smart. This is heart-level stuff, you are born with it, so it is yourself-stuff. When we accept this then we start to practice not caring to be right or wrong, or perceived as dumb or smart because we know who we are and that God loves us and that we are perfect as we are. We learn to not believe what others think or say about us, but we do listen for glimmers of places we can grow (*note to self: other mirrors – other roses (smile)).

Oh my goodness this is so long, but this post is from the love in my heart, and the love of trying to heal myself, so shamelessly, so to show others that they can too. I love my life the whole way here, but I just did not want to keep being the same as I was forever. I wanted more, and knew that I could, so I started. Working everyday to keep what I have, and keep learning to be the best version of me that I can, so to be better to all. ~ We really are all one.

Thank you so much, if you are reading my words, even if I do not know you the energies find a way, and I am sending love right now. Saying, hey, you got this, and you can do this, you can beat this (whatever it is). You are not alone. I did not plan all of this to come and it is longer than I expected, so will keep in the knowing that it will reach whomever it needs as it did me first.

And so it is, Amen,

Kellie J ~

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