Now that she had nothing to lose she was finally free. So she stood up, looked around, and wondered at what all it could be? Sand on the ground, snow in her heart, and beautiful green everywhere ~ made way for assessments in the passing of seasons; two plus years or more it had been.
Licking old wounds, holding heart, and removing the sleep from everything put off. She knew it was time to tap in, root, and decide what she really did want. Oh! and this was a different want, for it was not about people, places, or things. It was a rooting to her body to claim the primal space, for a soul to shine bright and be seen: a magical space of shedding and rebirthing in a place called, Great Mystery.
Every breath taken, every step remembered, looked at, picked up, and turned over ~ was trudged through, for, and not against her, of this she was always sure. Hard knocks to self, spiritual concussions, and deep dark waters all were braved, so to fuel the churning of deeper pools. Wisdoms of this power stored up to give over in a song of redemption that became a tigresses roar. Reuniting self with body, so to never feel alone, again, or evermore.
Circling in the spiral of life, twisting up through its core ~ the upgrade in DNA granted though the sound of one breath connecting us to all. Aye, soft is the belief that in every breath is a sound that works its healing from root to cosmic core. An alignment through Earth Star Chakra to Root that turned out to be, so much more; more than I imagined, and defiantly more than one would expect. Internal Narcissus believes feelings are the Janus in this place where soul doth meet flesh.
Listening further brought through things never revealed, shown, or known of self. These mirrors came with, put in place at the beginning, long ago, maybe even zygote. Lessons stemmed in root, so deep we do not sense the meshing as we start the bumble of slow crawl to first steps, and soar. Too young to know better, too strong to question doubt, oh this place clings till the one day you dare to know more, or find why you are here.
~~~ Big deep breath in, and slow exhale out AND ~ I am still working. I feel home is going to test me in these first three chakras. No, I know this, and am feeling intense third findings of self will be found. Ones etched into each chakra: Root, Sacral, and Solar. Disclosing: I only have ever worked on 4th and 5th chakra, but I digress.
What I did not know, or see coming is that I would not practice Yoga, at all, since I have been home. I feel lonely without it, but I stay the course of my placement. Always following what is presented. This root chakra work, believe it or not, came from watching television (mind you I do not watch TV). Yet, I was invited to watch two television shows with my Aunt. After turning down watching them a few times it became clear to me that I was meant to, so settled IN.
The shows are: Frankie & Gracie and Jane The Virgin. The shows were ruthless. I cried everyday watching all episodes of Frankie & Grace, first. Second, I was uncomfortable in the passions and betrayals of the Novella, Jane The Virgin. However, I allowed myself to go through the gamut of emotions and happenings being presented. Finding different ways to connect and think about my participation in life, self, others, and the world.
About what it means to be human, and in direct relation to relationships. Uncomfortable! Real life stymies me, for I get it, but do not participate in it often enough anymore. Becoming really agitated when people would lie and set one another up on purpose in the Novella. So much to process, so many feelings, and observations, and became an emotional “empathic” mess. Stopping the shows when I could not handle betrayals and misunderstandings…letting emotions wash over me while I railed against them…until finally, yes, FINALLY realizing: I have a hard time feeling what I cannot control. 🙁
These are the questions that came, for me in the first 9 days of root chakra work. They arose from processing what I was not letting myself feel while watching the shows, talking with my aunt, and a download from spirit.
1. Am I conditional (Frankie & Grace)?
2. I think I am still holding on to what I want. Even though I do not know what I want (Frankie & Grace).
3. Its life, you have to experience all of the emotions (my Aunt’s comment while watching me uncomfortably agiatated at the shows).
4. I am the truth inside the lie that was never told. (This is from spirit and I am still working on it).
My answer to question 1. Am I conditional? Yes (not the words I used either), and that realization hurts. Maybe not totally conditional, but down to the minutest strands, yes. I saw where I have created very clear lines, to control the pain of feeling. I would like to believe that this is OK because it protects my sanity, safety, and is a boundary, but on some level I know now this is not right. 🙁
My answer to question 2. I figured out why I think that I am still holding on to what I want. Even though I do not know what I want. Literally. Period. I was hanging onto the ‘want’ down to the last invisible encasings of it. Nothing there except for a clear effervescent bubble. I saw it, so beautiful and light yellow, so it is not that I did not know what I want. The work was to let go of the last lucid holdings of expectations. I thought I had cleared it, but am feeling it right now, yesterday gone, but upon the love over (edit) feel little bits rising in me, so this weekend I will work deeper on root chakra. I hope that makes sense…
This is why I felt that I did not know what I want, but processing and seeing the bubble and the attachment to it keeping me conditional has kept me empty and waiting. Which I believe equals ~ wanting. Yes, they do go hand-in-hand don’t they. Waiting and wanting.
I can honestly say I feel rooted in my physical body, more than ever, and I was wondering if that would be enough. I was told that I have to root myself to the Earth two years ago when I left home. I was suppose to have three energy sessions with my aunt before I left to California. I only had two, and now I know why, or think I do…it would have been insane to root anywhere (I feel) without doing the last two years up until this weekends work.
Well, this is it part I of II Check-IN for last Sunday, July 10, 2016. I will post part II of II Sunday July 17, 2016.
I am sure it is clear now why it is late….there is, so much happening….heavy emotional unwrapping and feeling to be present. Places I usually do not fly…but this is my path, and will not waiver. Please stay with me on this journey, yours too, for we are all one.
Life is the initiation, Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus at Heart