God is My Lotto

Feb 28, 2016


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God is my Lotto.

I’ve never been more sure that I do not need another to complete me. It is in this final take on relationships and upon work done with twin-flame that the last blocks have been cleared regarding my self-worth. I am done bullying myself, thinking myself unworthy, and hoping for things to be without a solid commitment on how to make things better. We cannot wish desired outcomes into life. No, they take hard work and outside help when it comes to the embattled relics of hearts broken trying to heal and love in real time.

I wish things could have been what we know they were once and could have become what we know we are, but we did not, and it has left me in a precarious place that I have never been before. A place where I feel defiant not guilty; where I feel present not alone; where I am OK not downtrodden or sad; and most of all, a place where I feel no longing for something that cannot be.

Instead I find myself completely at home in the middle of the tree of me. I am not afraid even though I am still numb, and for the first time ever I have never felt more complete in knowing that when something breaks this far it is gone. When something is gone we must let go, or we will hold ourself back. Holding back keeps us from growing forward, and so on.

Internal Narcissus believes there is no grace in the disillusion of hearts. Believing that souls cry when they are forced to separate and this is what we feel in the manifestation of human pain and suffering. The hurt we have caused one another, the pinning, and staying in sadness so long ~ all an epitaph when love is lost. Two souls knowing how long it took to find each other, and not knowing how long it will take to do so again.

Even if done, in my wildest dreams right, there is no escaping the pain of this separation whether we are facing it head-on or burying it by trudging on to another. Yet there is reassurance from God that we will and can be who we came to be if we just take a deep breath this time to heal afterwards. If we commit to go slowly by choosing to tread carefully in the space around, ahead, and within us. Taking care to not harm ourself or others in the processing of these massive riffs of pain that come in waves stronger than the deepest ocean swell…

…I am not sure how I could have ever been so thoughtless with myself and others all the years before all of these hard works done. Rushing past my pain, burying my discontent, denying my anger and dismay that promises were broken and lines crossed. Forever I AM awake now and know better. I am present and cannot disregard the sanctions of my heart as she tries to make sense of all that has transpired while being fair to life and all that it fans and flames. Another mortal in this cosmic swell of planets sifting around a sun while I fight to unlearn everything and thought I have wagered.

I have held my twin-flame, walked through fire to be born again, and have transformed more times than I can count, and I swore to not get emotional in this blog, but the truth is I can do nothing else. I am forever awake with no more understanding of this one truth. “Know thyself, so you can be thyself.” Do not take your thoughts, beliefs, or anything you resist as truth. Dig deeper, find the light in your heart calling you home and then and only then will you know peace.

I assure you that I did not know I would end up where I am three years ago. Every step was spirit-led and I obeyed. I did not even know I would share some of things I just did, but I live and grow out-loud in the hopes to inspire others. I live in real time and I know that the best is yet to come no matter what it looks like on the outside or feels like on the inside at times, so I rise.

After all, we are all worthy of having a life worth living and sharing with others, and it can be done once we do our inner child work, learn to communicate openly in real time while being balanced in love and fear. Practice the Four Agreements (it is a must), and do the hard inner soul works to become free from fear and balanced in light and dark.

This place I am is and has been my whole journey. It is way more than what I asked, for God will give all that you are when you are open, surrendered, and ready. I have come full circle, and I have proof through three years of documentation of my whole journey. I have those who have been with me as guides, mentors, accountably partners, close friends, and family who can coordinate every belief that I share.

If I could have one wish it would be for every human being to know that they are worthy of their own self-respect and trust. That we can change the way we feel about ourselves one thought at time. I find joy in things so simple now, and want for nothing because I won the Lotto of a lifetime.

God is my Lotto, my lifeline, my flood, my thirst for anything outside of me quelled while I am dining at the banquet of life blessed at the vine ripe for the taking because I committed to become a better person no matter what it took. I changed everything about me one thought one fight with self at at time.

Let us be clear, I have lost sufficiently in this battle, but every-time been uplifted because I never once faltered to believe that God may have a better plan for me than I did. Praying and meditating while using my internal flash drive full of cosmic and internal DNA memories to guide me. With full belief that I will never hit the ground because God has his hand on me and I believe.

I dug into my thoughts with bare hands and gnarling teeth to break through the leathery dowery of karma carried through to bloom free and resurrect in the gold. My inner child now barefoot and happily centered in branches full of spectral-light. Cleansed perfect with the mark of thy clarity starred in observation. All so I know what he made, who I am, and can finally believe that I am breathtakingly perfect, if only for the reason that, God loves me.

Finally Comfortable IN My Own Skin,

Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus

P.S. Internal Narcissus is taking the rest of the year off to reflect and settle into all of the work done, and to process the shifts of transformations I have undergone in the three plus years of internal works; and finally rest in “A Place Beyond Belief.”

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