“This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder & unstoppable ~ this year I will be FIERCE” ~ Anonymous quote from meme on Instagram ~
I don’t think I have ever been fierce, not in the way it’s intended for empowerment anyway. Officially I have been fearless, so as to fight my battles, to fight my fear, to fight my pain, fighting my mind and its elaborate illusions to steer me from anything, but truth and real growth. I have to admit hands-down those were the hardest wars/battles of the mind, choosing not to believe something because it can’t be real, it couldn’t be real, there’s no way that it could ~ that if you hold the assumption up against the light; put it to your heart and then hold it to your chest and then think how does this thought apply to anything that I know outside of my mind? Yes, I have been fiercely fighting those battles for years, but in a strong way, a deep down and dirty painful sort of suffering the whole way through. Nothing like the fierce beauty captured in accompany photo of model, Charity Camacho, by IN Staff Photographer, Jaymz K. Kennedy.) But, I digress…
It is known that Spiritually for one to evolve through pain we have to learn to accept pain without suffering. Internal Narcissus believes that we cannot get to that point without suffering through the pain and burning it clear out of our atmosphere. I fought to overcome fear in the most grueling way, but just when you think you have got it beat, you can or may be taken off track. No matter what something will hit you out of the blue, so how do we prepare for an unknown? Well, I’m still processing this and there is much to process. Trying to grow up at 46 years old is truly the hardest things I have ever done. I’ve been awake and present my whole life, and the final awakening given by spirit starting December 2012 before the birth of Internal Narcissus that is the download of my blogs that became my book three years ago this March. I am ever so thankful, for God’s hand on me, for it is the only thing that’s allowed me to see enough, so I could feel enough to know better.
There is one thing that I do know more than anything and that it is time to relax, to try to slow down, to stop trying so hard to understand. To not take everything so seriously. I’m way to hard on myself when I feel I failed others. I’m not sure why I hold myself to such a high esteem when it comes to dealing with being a human being then forgetting I’m human only to feel the pain so sharp again when I stumble and fall. Having to take faith in that I am a human trying when I am feeling, so amazingly small and insignificant. I’m in my third year of research in transpersonal psychology, I am a spiritual author, blogger, and podcast producer, by the grace of God himself. A poet by my own hearts intention since I was a teenager too.
I am an artist, I am emotional, I am empath; I am a female that thought it was weak to be a female, so chose to be strong like a man. I don’t like to be told what to do, I prefer to be asked. Anyone who knows me well knows I’m a sucker for manners, I hate it when people have the wrong idea of who I am or perceptions of me. I do not like to explain myself, and I truly do believe that people can read my mind and know my exact placement. That’s the one the cracks me up, because it’s so not true. I’ve learned that if I want someone to understand me I have to take the time to explain myself; this one doesn’t weigh so lightly on me, for I am never-ever one to explain myself to anyone. I thought I did not need to, I was proud and pretentious, but it was all an affront to keep people from seeing how much pain I was in.
I never let anyone know when I was hurt, and I always always tried to fix everything on my own, so I would not bother or hurt anyone else. Feeling that my mistakes were nobody else’s problem and never reached out. I cannot put my finger on any one of the mental things that I know about myself that makes me, me. That’s why I do not call myself anything, and I will not label myself anything. The only thing that I refer to in the resource of my truest and most deepest ideas of who we are and where we come from is mental-health. To me there is only light and dark and fear and love. I do not like the branding of names to separate mental illnesses. I believe every human is beautiful and good to begin with, and it is what happens to us along the way and the tools that we created along the way to help us that define where we end up; more importantly how we become caught in the middle of our own trappings.
I like to be esoteric when I think about the mind, for I feel it is abstract and immortal, so to tell it that it has a sickness called by name would only drop it even further away form its truth which is to free itself from fear to Shine Bright. Believing that we can trace how we react to things in each instance in the NOW ~ all the way back to something buried under something until we can make peace with it to let it go.
So…in 2015 ~ I intend to fight for my mental health and stamina of holding myself in real-time placement with a fierceness that I have never approached before. One full of feminine strength and motherly beauty. I intend to tap the resources of the Mother Earth, Sister Moon, and every river, lake, and ocean. I will find my way through the sea of intense with steady forward strokes to the left then right in my canoe of body while trying to balance the feminine and masculine within me which has never been my strong point.
I suppose 2016 will be the year I fight to reclaim the female side of me that I buried because I thought it was weak. I talk about this in my blog, Grace, and there are many things I have written on my feelings around this subject, and ultimate goal ~ to become a woman full of Grace, and oh so much harder than said, but I grind on this daily. Also, I am back at my studies through Sophia University, and intend to write my second book very soon. I have some ideas on how to finish some of Freud’s work that are pretty conclusive regrading the Odepedian complex, but have not shared. All in due time though, for we grow slow at, Internal Narcissus and I’ve only just woke up to put my feet in this planet again, and am ready to soak them into the ground breaking water of earth-time life.
Internal Narcissus at Heart, Kellie J, Wright ❤️
PS ~ I want to thank my twin flame and true love, for being who he is which allows a perfect mirror of reflection along with his no holds bare of telling me exactly what he thinks he sees in my dark. I always take it with: deep meditation, lots of water work, and deep mental excavations to get one step closer to the free in me as a unattached and totally available source to the divine. That is of course after I have lost my mind to fear and said things I wished I had not and lost complete sense of myself. Life is a journey and having your twin flame around is one of the hardest gifts, God has ever bestowed upon me. #onelifeonechance