Dear Inner Circle
I am laughing and crying inside when I look at this picture, for somehow I always feel like this ~ a baby trying so hard to learn how to do everything right. I make mistakes constantly then fight ferociously to learn the lessons and stay in the now. Constantly working to be present while evolving to become a woman full of grace. One that can glide through the awarenesses that I have fought so valiantly for, so I can evolve to help others. Growing-IN is a practice and a life commitment, and it is the best commitment that I have ever made.
Today I took my first yoga class in over a year. I had a practice of hot yoga 5-6 times a week at one point before my 3 year transformational journey began. I would get a class in here and there when I could, but my dedication was to my mind first and foremost, so I cleared a slate that made room for nothing but self analyzing and deep meditation and dream work, so that I could resurrect in the Gold. That being I was really happy to start my new practice today. ‘Finally feeling it was time to start not that I had too.’ The last sentence is important and a creed of mine, so if you ever work with me on a retreat or on a 90 day transformation, get ready to assimilate those words, for we go to the bare bones of things, strip our lives down to as little movement as possible to allow the divine to connect (more on this later though).
I am in Big Bear Lake. I love it here, and after my first class felt home again. The connection, the poses, the cold (LOL) ~ Yes, I did yoga today and it was cold…I wore leggings that my aunt bought me when we used to power walk in the snow back home when I first started this sacred journey, a tank top, t-shirt, and my boyfriends big loose sweater. ~ Lost the sweater when I finally warmed up, but put it back on for final pose. I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking I am not the woman I was when I started this Internal Narcissus Project and Journey March 13, 2013.
I felt proud and oddly connected to my real self. As of late I have been in the desert for almost a year with little outside contact beside my few close friends, and love. This is where God led me, and I am so grateful. ~ When I accepted this assignment to follow spirit 100% and never look back, I did just that. I followed signs and intuition and never let anyone else but me and God decide my next steps.
As I looked at myself in the mirror today at the yoga studio in a blank amazement, I felt so much gratitude. We saved my life from myself. God and I, and I am now 45 years young and 100% present (OK, most of the time, come on, we are humans trying and this is life, so we will disconnect at times, but know it is OK, for it is a part of the growing). Remember to find peace in melt downs because they are doors to clarity, let yourself cry even bawl to push the pain through, and do not fight pain by trying to change directions, stay the course because all of these happening are tools to burn though the hurt and pain stored in our bodies. God is so good and our innate ability to listen further to hear our own truth is a burning gift of freedom available to all, we need only ask.
When I left class today I immediately thought of this photo (so went to look for it in an old post) that always tickles me pink! This picture resonates with me on such a deep level. It really just encapsulate me right now. ~ But get this, at the end of class today my instructor gave us a quote “Yoga is not about reaching your toes, its about the journey on the way down.” Ha! I have to agree….the beauty in all is the dedication to keep trying and to never give up no matter what it looks like on the way down, or on the outside.
Comfortably, Kellie J. Wright ~ Internal Narcissus
*Oddly enough….when I went to look for the photo and post to re-share on FaceBook, it was dated October 18, 2014 and I was feeling and in the exact same place as I am writing this on October 22, 2015 (Meaning: we must pay attention to our cycles to break patterns).
**This blog was suppose to post on October 22, 2015, but had some technical difficulties. I do have to keep the journey in the proper timeline, so am noting it here.
*** Internal Narcissus resident photography is Jaymz K. Photography except in certain instance when a blog calls for something that is related in such a deep way I have to use it.