May 24, 2015


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Grace was originally written the end of 2013.

Sometimes there are greater doors behind little doors that if untouched or unaffected can never be seen. Which door do you see? Which self is the cause of the blindness, and are there truths there that are more than the ones already known?

Life can be painful when you see yourself in a mirror full of you/s. I know because I have looked at and through myself for years having many thoughts come and go changing from campaigns to slogans of virtue for hope; but always missed the next step the one that is so human to the core, and lost in the tiresome daily mix of giving and wanting. To live a life full of Grace.

I have often said that my next step in life is to live a life full of grace, but wow until the last few days I did not know what that would involve. I did not understand the concept truly and it is only now another mystery being brought into the light that shows and cries to me why?

See, I think that when we surround ourselves in likeness some things get missed because the people whom we see ourselves in are mixed with the sameness of each other or at the least the appearance of; and it was only when I was able to look at myself as a fish out of water, completely unrecognized in the silence of a different reality that I could feel parts of my selfish behavior pulling at me and making me feel things intermittently that I could not stop myself from. Ahh, so frustrating and fragile in this new knowledge of self, and it was not a fun place. But, I believe growing is not always comfortable and looking at oneself completely stripped of pride, ego, and envy can be the harshest reality of all.

My truth is that it is easy to say that one wants to live a life full of grace, and I believe it can be done, but what I have found is that it is most certain to feel this way if things are going your way. ~ When one is content and all needs (selfish and unselfish are being met). But, once my needs were not being met the façade fell and changed to fear and anxiety; causing my mind to try magnificently to get back to the mirrors that would tend my vanity and be closer to the nearest hearth that felt safe.

I could see this, name it, and point it out as it was happening, so the peaceful times far outweighed the fear and anxiety that creped in, but not being able to stamp it out brought tension to my heart. I understood this was all new so gave myself a break and time to sort it out, but was so thankful of being keenly aware of the difference.

I believe to live a life of grace you have to be selfless and to love someone you have to love them selflessly. Love is not about oneself it is about caring, tending, protecting, and loving others. I believe that is what to live a life full of Grace is; it is serving and tending to others. Yesterday was a deep thinking day, one where I saw lines and maps in my life and distinctions that I have never intended to use or want between men and women. I saw clear and it was nice and it was what I want, to be a woman, mother, wife, confidant, and friend. A better daughter, niece, sister, cousin, and aunt too.

The true beauty of grace had been lost or never known to me. I did not have the role models for it; I had strength and perseverance at all costs shown to me. I had no male role models either. I had love and loyalty, but I found or chose very early that I had to take care of me. I lost what it was to see the world as either graceful or safe.
I am happy that I still have time to learn and clear these lessons.

I want to be better at loving without expectations. I want to feel peace in my presence and I want to be a person who loves selflessly and gives tirelessly surrounded by people who do the same. I know it will not be easy and that there are times my spoiled nature will try to best me, but I know with prayer, meditation, and faith that I can become the woman I never wanted to be because I thought they were boring and weak, but have found are exactly the opposite: they are strong and brave and selfless putting themselves last and others first and knowing that the good of all is better than the good of one.

Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus

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