I am at home letting my soul/existence breathe. In some of my lately thoughts, I was shown to ponder recovery, how it is different for all and deeply personal too. I have so many thoughts surrounding this because I have too, not because I want to. I want to accept and be, but being that I did not get sober through AA and a lot of people have, I sometimes wonder how I fit in, or at least not be outcast for my personal brand of recovery that did not include sitting in the rooms of AA. My Alcoholic biological father got sober Through AA and was a warrior of service in the last 14 years of his life; and many other people I love have too. ~ For me it happened differently.
See, I was more sober than I had ever been in my life the last two years before I got sober though God’s Grace right after committing to a 90 day transformation. But as I have said before that was at the tail end of a lot of happenings between God, I, and life. We worked hard for this new me, mostly me truly because he never left me, it was I who created the distance within us that was almost un-breachable. I was given this radio show and was a year into it while writing my blogs before the day that changed my life forever ~ But alas I will start a little further back.
~ My desire in life has always been to show people how beautiful they are. To show them what I see in them for being alive, volatile, human (awake or sleeping), and real. The only thing real in life is us, yet we deny ourselves the right to be awake each day by not listening further, by pushing to hard on ourselves, by never allowing ourselves to feel good enough, denying our connection to God or only half connecting, and never letting go of things that do us harm even when we know they are doing us harm. This just was not good enough for me, I wanted more for me and for everyone else. ~ I finally have a place to do this out loud every day and every Sunday, and I pray for the time and grace to do the best that I can. I do this out loud as I am growing, as things come to me, and have no agenda, but to inspire self love to knock out fear.
I feel old and new at the same time. I am soul on a masters journey of enlightenment, and I am not afraid to say that I have and will be working on this aspect of me first and foremost the rest of my mortal life, and again once I return to source download and share all collective lessons and am sent back again to quest on or do over what I have refused to open up and learn here. Yes, I use the words “I refuse” because we have the power within us to open up and change everything about us at anytime if we would just breathe, believe and let go; let God.
~ My mission is not simple and it will take everything I have to be the woman in Grace that I long to be…but I will not give up and I will do what I have come to do, no matter how long it takes me to continually keep getting out of my way. ~ One step forward, one step back, two steps forward, and so it is. Internal Narcissus believes our mind is our worst and greatest ally and to know thyself is only the beginning because once we know who we are and how we work only then can we start to uncover our truths to truly be set free.
I ask you, how long will you continue to be a slave to what you tell yourself about yourself and others? Even the little parts behind the big leaps and strides of awareness…because they are there and we all will backslide on them at some point if we cannot name the difference between real and not real, fearing we are not good enough instead of reveling in our inherent goodness and down right gorgeousness of who we were born to be, not anything else. This is why I believe Fear is the only monster that we must slay, for once we slay fear doubt will not stand a chance and we can stand resolute in our goodness, in our beauty, in our authentic self that would never harm us or put us in precarious positions, shame ourselves, disrespect ourselves, anything that keeps us from our creator and the love from which we hale.
~ I know this is truth for I made it to the other side and back again, and my friends there is still more to do. For we live in a world with each other, so situations will change and grow as we will too, and we should pray we all find the absolute strength to know the difference between what is real and what is not and stop feeding ourselves medicinal spoonfulls of cosmic residue and gunk meant to keep us from God and Self.
I believe that once we are free from the poisons of the outside world, we can wage a war on the left over parts inside of us…the parts that will be reckoned with and made whole again. I want to be of service and have my own ideas of how I got here and how I will remain; they are given to me by my intuition and guides, so I will not falter and will not preach, but share to anyone who is hungry to live and grow out loud together: no shame, no isolation, no guilt, no fear, no dogma, no hiding, only love. Love begets love…I did not sit in the AA rooms to get sober, but I sat down a lot and in many places in my life and have had many conversations with God. ~ Why I am who and where I am now is owed explicitly to him, and I answer only to his call and will follow him 100%. I know his voice and have heard him call my name, and I am devout in a way I cannot explain but will always try…
I believe in God, love, the animals, people, and our mother Earth, and I call for the healing of all. We can do this “us who have recovered” and I believe we were called specifically and tested valiantly, not all made it, but those who have I believe we have the hardest task of all, and that it to serve always, no matter what, at all costs.
Kellie J ~