Wherever we are in life, we have hand walked ourselves, for we have done everything that we have wanted. No please, listen to me, it may sound strange, but you have to believe you have done everything that you wanted. Sometimes we have to walk backwards quite a few paces, sometimes even years, or lifetimes to see all of the wanton steps that brought us to the things that we think that we did not want, but I assure you the addition will all add up. One plus one plus one plus one plus one until the final sum on the day when we woke up ~ that one day when we did not want what we do not want anymore.
This is the day when we were freed, the day after every other day we had done everything we had wanted too. Don’t get me wrong, also in the very same breath we may have not wanted too, but obviously we are not victims to our fear. We just chose fear over love. Love would have us care for self and be responsible for our actions, so we could then try to fix them. Called up to be our own first healer to guide us carefully to love, for that is where we come from, and the most beautiful thing is that we can always get back.
Internal Narcissus believes we can blame no one else for the steps we have walked, that we must own up to the decisions and choices we made that created the being we were that brought us to the day that we finally: looked up, woke up, were brought to, or resurfaced again. The day we fell down to our knees that one real first time in total surrender while whispering, no more. Finally choosing God over all else and ready to give up everything and change everything about us instead of choosing fear and staying the same again.
Whether out loud, silently, or facedown on the ground there was always going to be a day, that one day ~ when we finally did choose to not want to anymore: becoming the first next step to the other side of us. The day we did not want to pay for our sins anymore, did not want the greed we could not clear anymore, did not want the ego and pride blocking us from self and everyone we love, did not want the need, oh yes the need…
…the need to be filled, need to be heard, the need for our pain to mean something to someone, if not anyone else, then us. And yes we would honor our pain, and well we did: for we cherished it, we groomed it, and rode it all the way to the end of hell. Where we placed it on a pedestal then laid at its feet: opening another bottle, taking another hit or pill, took another drag ~ or whatever it is or was keeping us from confronting our fear. Another cookie, another donut, another 5 miles, another book, another movie, endless television, whatever it is to distract us from the things we do not want to keep or remember, but still hang on to refusing to face or to talk about.
Fear keeping us from being alive, present, giving, loving, trusting, feeling all the way through, or from just being present. That is until the day we finally did not want to anymore, and even then we could not totally let go just yet, but trusted and took the first step to becoming whole to becoming the person we are today. Yes today the day that we decided we did not want to anymore.
In the middle of any life where we are striving to be present there has to come a day when we face all the things that we wanted that we thought we did not, or assumed we were victims of. To find a place that we could stand up in the middle of ourselves to demand for it all to make sense. Because no matter what we were there, it happened, and the truth is sometimes, most times, no one will ever understand, but us and God.
It sounds easy that just knowing should be enough for us to put fear and the things we do not want to bed, wrap it up, give it a loving kiss and fall asleep to resurrect in the gold, to be alive now in the present; but it takes time, it takes precision, so be easy on yourself, know you are doing the best you can, and if, doing the best that you can then is that not enough?
Our lives are a ballad of wonderment brilliantly stained and jaded while locked and loaded to protect this new day. The day we have wanted that is now and could not have been without our past. Yes we are the present, time is a gift, and our past is the road we hand walked ourselves, so we really cannot be one without the other.
Internal Narcissus believes we are the light calling us home and all roads we walk can be hand picked in the now, now that we know.
Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus