“I found what was holding me back from being loving was me expecting everything to be done for me. I was a grown women still caught up in being a girl. Stranded in my relationships, always waiting…” Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus
A few days ago spirit said look for a meme to share; roll through the ones on your phone, scroll fast and just stop on one. I stopped on a black and white meme that said “Girls want attention, Women want respect.” When I read this meme it clicked that I had to go find and share words from my lessons learned in my 2nd 90 day transformation. These are the first words that I found: I had been waiting for attention as a child waits for attention from their parents or others; wanting to give love and be loved, but not realizing I was waiting for some kind of silent confirmation that it was already there.”
I believe this happens when our hearts are broken early in life then again and again on top of each loss as we plunder forward. There was a little girl stuck inside this woman who had been playing the poker game of her life; a slow stacking of hearts in a long wager of doubling down while issuing soft taps of the heart behind pursed lips whispering “pass.” The kitty, a goldmine of glass slippers in the different sizes of stunted hope, or at least this is how it felt.
I woke up this day; woke from a slumber deeper then I could’ve ever imagined. Kissed on the lips from my awakenings of soul work, and thankful for there was no way for me to give and receive love freely until I found all of the blocks that were keeping me from the real intimacy that I was seeking. In truth I was the only one holding me back, and I was the only one that could release me forward into the light. The sorrow was almost debilitating as the patterns of past relationships started playing in slow motion right before my eyes, highlighting and underscoring all parts played in the epic fails of my loves and losses. Yet, this is my journey, that was my life, and I fought to dissolve those trappings of lost vanities and unknown toxins, so I could resurrect to walk free in the now, so be it.
Finally a card carrying adult. A woman in her prime, full of love not fear, free to honor not control, and all while building love and trust through open and honest communication. Excited to trust, and exuberant in believing that I was finally enough; that I am worthy of another human being’s time, space, and intimacy. That I can now love someone the whole way though and back, for exactly who they are and not attach my fear or doubts acquired from my life journeys to another in real time ever again.
My 2nd 90 day transformation centered solely on clearing my throat chakra and reopening my heart chakra, so I could speak my truth, and I will add now, to find it also. Unknowingly taking me to places I never knew existed ~ dark and painful places, excruciating and blinding places, but ones I had created over my whole life in each step I had taken until I could walk no further. Sitting down defiantly in what would become my dark night of the soul. ~ Honestly I did not believe in them, but know better now, and still would not trade one step or lesson learned that brought me there, for I believe God has his hand on everyone and everything always. So I chose to honor my life and accept all of it as was…
Now, I no longer want attention like a child or wait for somebody to give love to me because love like that is not real, but left over emotions challenging us to be cleared. ~ I resurrected in real love, and real love does not bind, it is seamless and fearless. I learned that we have to become love because we are love, we are not separate from it.
I am awake in my being and present in my mind, body, and soul. Ready to give more and receive more, respect more and honor more, and most importantly can do so in times of fear. Never taking love for granted, and knowing when to slow down to listen further if old expectations crowd in trying to shatter all good works done to derail present day serenity. For life will test us, and we will reward it by respecting our process and always doing the next right thing ~ no matter what or how hard it is, or what it looks like on the outside to anyone else.
Internal Narcissus believes we get what we give ourselves, and what we give ourselves is what we give to others; a never ending circle of divine energies that must flow with a pureness that defies gravity and can move mountains because it is the real deal. That if life is a game we can win in knowing that we have to clean house again and again as new lessons are presented, trust in the not knowing that the dust will settle, and that windows will one day stream truth from the well of our solar plexus of existence. Filling us with the abundance of peace and happiness that we co-create with God and the Universe while wearing both perfectly sized glass slippers.
I have so much more to keep sharing and I will as spirit moves.
~ Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus