“One minute of truth is better than a thousand nights of darkness.”
~ Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus
We must buff the graffiti on the walls of our hearts and our minds. Walls still burning; from feelings invoked from someone else’s hurtful words, perceived shame, or assumed faults. Or, at least commission a going over declaring a heartfelt “Why would I accept another’s truth for me when they have not done the research, or have my best interest at heart?” Words sprayed in retaliation or desperate disappearing act to happenings that were intended for lessons of growth. Frustration hissed under breathe, or from behind closed eyes, and shut doors. Words that once released become murals of protection to block pain and redirect before bursting into a swell of cosmic storms. Heaven spots only we know. Stop, please stop, this is where it ends.
Declaring Victory in “I will not be a crucible for vented angers from unseen or known dangers lying within reach of me or another’s verbal arsenal.” Silent or not, where in each draw back and release the victor changes place in a slow extinguishing of repeat; to release or bury deeper the pain locked in the cauldron of misery bubbling inside. Yes, you/me we are really fighting ourselves here. Switching hats in each question posed as we move to address pain thought stayed. Pain that enslaves and is more deadly than the fear of growing, but until the pain of not growing exceeds the fear of being alone, we will never know.
Yes, you and me we both grew stronger only I finally started to see that your wrath was not of me, but used to control situations to keep me from pain that hurt you while we were little. All the while playing silent observer to the unraveling of everything we love. Adding foe to this list of names we deemed worthy was me as we became fated partners in a slow decay of faith, love, and trust. But, my eyes are open now, I can finally see, and oh no! I will not go gently into the night, no more!
For on this day I create new mindart. I am standing up with a defiant “I will not believe or accept another’s truth, for me. Or a false one that I have created, feed, and adopted.” I will only accept the purest form of trying to communicate, and get to the next level of understanding with the nobility of this will only hurt a little, but with “nothing ventured nothing gained” as my new tag. Finally in charge of my placement and the people who support, see, and hear me. People who may be new to me, but know I am new to me too. People who know me for whom and what I am really am because they know who and what they really are. See, that is the key, we have to stand on the same side of knowing and growing within our new circles of hope.
Believe me, I know my walk and have mapped it well. I see the little girl in my mind that did the best she could to not let people know she was hurt and was dying inside. The one that grew up and perpetuated the same until the pain of being alone so desperately out weighed the fear of trying again. Truthfully, I will never know why she chose to enlist the mantra she did that became the mental mind killer that put a block between her/me and love, but I have learned because of this mantra, and what I have learned is that hate is powerful, our minds are inconceivable, and that we do not have to take anything for granted that is painful.
Internal Narcissus believes that it is not until we free ourselves from the common viewpoints of things that are not real that we can know if anything is real. And that trusting in the not knowing of what is ahead of us is better than anything behind. I am standing at a freshly whitewashed wall of me, in the middle of a new junction to peace, clarity, and love. Giving myself a mental hug, and thinking softly, I did it. I found the moment in mind that changed my world in the cruelest way ever, and now I have the tools to make this happening right.
Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus
Please never surrender to pain rather fight for your right to see the light, ask questions, talk to people who can see you and things you cannot, and know what is right in front of your eyes not behind the masks of protection we no longer need, for one minute of truth is better than a thousand nights of darkness.