I think the hardest thing about being sober and being in recovery is learning to trust oneself in relationships, or realizing that you never did. I know for me I was very codependent. I found this out through listening to friends sharing that are in the program. How I was co-dependent was by making my partner into my higher power. This is something that I never knew that I had done until now, and they would have never known either because then they could hurt me, so why would I do that, right? My ego and pride were much too infallible of a team for that back then, but in looking back, yes; I would get totally consumed and lost in my relationships. Loosing parts of me further and deeper each time that I did not catch on to what was really happening while I valiantly trudged straight ahead in life from one failed relationship to the next. All the while never truly sharing any of me with anyone while expecting everything in return. Never seeing my part in any of it until too late then trying fixing it, and wanting them to come back for me! Can you say abandonment issues? Oh my, what a tangled web we weave in addiction. A double edged sword of I want what I do not want, and I do not know any of this because I cannot feel anything.
Fortunately I was working really hard over the years trying to sort out the why’s of this stuff out, and I actually did figure all of my stuff out before deciding to quit drinking for good, but it is something else to be sitting in it sober having to live and feel it in real-time. The old me when hurt would go cover then go round and round in circles. But I never gave up on me, and after years of hard work and realizing I had to stop all of my old behaviors and change everything to get to the other side of me, I won. I had my last two drinks March 13, 2014. Decided I never wanted to drink again, again on March 14, 2014. Received a divine interception (spiritual awakening) on March 15, 2014. I am happy to report today on October 13, 2014, I seven months clean and sober!
Happily I do not crave or want to use anything but life and all that she fans and flames to get me by these days. And yes there are still painful moments, but thankfully when my brain and her ego start acting up from old triggers by perceived lightning strikes; I know they are signs saying to slow down, Dear, there is work to do here. And I try not to listen to the hardwired internal song of protection, but instead accept the invitation to dance with my higher power to cool my blood. This is sometimes a slow dance and other times a disco dance that sends my head spinning, but I have worked very hard at not reacting in the old ways of wanting to control, run, or change things up. I accepted the ultimate invitation to a new life, and a lifetime dance partner, so I do not ever have to go back. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I love being absolutely present in my life!
In the end I know that I cannot change the things that happened to me or the moment that I decided to use to deflect pain which eventually turned into years of partying and covering, but I also know that I would not either. I love me and have learned from my life, and use parts of it as reminders of why I never want to use again. My life is a testament to me and the research it took to become the beautiful entity I am today. I intend to treat me with respect and as a best friend whom I would never harm. Someone who is clear on the other side of my past behaviors smiling gallantly while waiving a dance card full with God and I‘s name on it.
Always, Kellie J ~ Internal Narcissus at Heart <3 Photo Credit:Jaymz Kennedy "It came time to leave the past behind." Hills of the Cinque Terre, Italy