“Pain and love are a tight-wire of hope we walk between beginning and end when we love.” Kellie J. ~ Internal Narcissus
Pain swallows some people whole, others it visits like an old friend, both ways unbearably causing us to separate and isolate from self and each other; as close as the same bed sometimes. Pain is the stealer of hearts and crucifer of moments once coveted. Make no mistake; it knows the pathways provided and knows how to draw-in taking comfort in the pleasure of the darkness it is afforded. It is Pain, it knows not what it does, it is a feeling and feelings cannot exist unless provided a host. It does not float freely in the air, it does not grow from the ground, it is energy in the form of thoughts and words from us and other things we know not. Its effect on us has no effect on it; pain can only accept the invitation to dive in.
But, I beg we cannot accept pain as a friend; nor can we accept it as a twin for someone or something that has gone on or changed. I pray we can rally against our senses and prevail against this maddening machine that is something of a mystery, but altogether too safe and familiar. Pain has found me in my dreams and in moments of doubt when lightning strikes. It has found me when I am alone and it has found me alone while in a room of many, even haunting me with a memory of someone in another jolting me back and forth through time without my consent.
My truth is pain is the foundation of unrealized expectations that have not been cleared or made peace with. It is the embarrassment of things done and wished forgotten. It is wrapped in the explanations and reasons of how you let another down and cannot change that no matter what because you can never go back in time. It is a doorway between this life and a hope of another that stays both open and closed and is never out of sight. I find pain wrapped around love like a blanket, its misgivings so precariously symbiotic.
Truthfully, I wish we could disconnect pain from love. I wish we could love without pain. But that is something that can never happen as they are the dark and the light of each other. They are love manifest, they are bed sisters for life, and they are twins and best friends. They make the other exist and make sense. They could not be one without the other, and are a tightwire of hope we walk between beginning and end when we love.
That said I believe we can learn how to look at and hold them differently. Big sigh here…I believe pain is a third party to the moments it surrounds. It comes through and from us as markers of our loves, lessons, and our losses. We are affected from and by it, but feel we can work together as a team and learn how to use pain as a helpful reminder, not a stalker of others and self. Life tests our hearts and minds time and time again with pain, some of it so big it swallows us whole, and it will come and go round again. It has to, it is the law of existence and our feelings manifest. Pain is imprinted in our internal DNA. It is a part of our vision, is a part of our mind, and is how we learn and grow.
That said I do believe that we can learn to look at it differently. Learn to breathe when we feel the air being sucker punched out of us. Taking it by the hand and inviting it to dance with us upon our internal tightwire of hope and longing. Believing that we will always look for our treasures and remember our losses, but also believing they reside within us, they are us, and that they would want to be happy inside of us affecting us to shine brightly.
I do not want to lose people I love to pain; I do not want to lose myself to pain. I want to walk free and remember in love, holding hand in heart, together muddled underneath a blanket of warmth and understanding. Choosing to use pain as a reminder of the good that has happened and not the good that has been taken away or lost. Oh my goodness, this is so hard to write because everyone’s pain is so unique to themselves and everyone’s pain is of their own branding. Remembering that no one can ever show you their pain they can only show you how they look in it and it is a big, dark, beautiful, powerful, moving, breathing mystery.
This is my branding of the dark side of pain. I do not judge as I wish not to be judged and I love wholly as I wish to be loved wholly. Next week I will write on the light I see and feel in pain. To be continued…