“Pain is a refuge for some, a prison for others, neither a safe place to call home.” Kellie J. ~ Internal Narcissus
I hurt myself, but I do that every time I forget to take care of me. When I forget to meditate, when I forget to think about placement, when I forget to pay attention to internal pings of my heart and soul, when I believe even for a second that another’s idea or truth for me is more important than my own, when I forget that I come first and that acknowledging my intents and being honest with me is more important than any probable outcome.
I hurt myself when I try to do too much too fast, I hurt myself when I dream ahead of where I can be instead of going through each continued lesson as it should be, as it is meant to be, for my intended growth. I hurt myself when I hold myself back from giving someone else the words or answers they seek or need so they may grow, instead keeping them captive in an idea or place in time by placing them on a pedestal when they are long ago gone.
All of these things causing me to mistake old and new voices of pain as a deep call from within for the taste of freedom or need for isolation. Distant leaders of the past rallied by new intruders dressed in the form of past pains and new stings. Both tarrying rather than stay buried all the while silently and methodically buying precious moments and trading small victories to sway the unraveling of lessons learned. Eventually letting old coping mechanisms find the slightest sliver of doubt to squeeze through and wreak havoc on this peaceful and loving heart.
Oh my goodness, it is so hard to be a human trying sometimes. Lightning strikes and all hell breaks loose. So, what is one to do? I can only do what I know best and that is to sit very still, dig much deeper, try harder, ask more questions, listen further, and get prepared to know more than I thought I could.
Internal Narcissus is about the journey within to heal body, soul, and mind. Believing Pain is much too big of an Elephant to take just one bite out of, I will grow slowly. I write from the heart each week. I am writing as I am growing-in and breathing out. I am learning through the fireworks of thoughts and experiences that rise from and through me like molten lava and icy cold shocks. My words are a combination of my life and people I love; including past, present, and future. This is part I of III. I hope you stay with me on my journey, ours if you like, and please join in on the conversation.