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Mar 20, 2013

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Always hearing the real me, and knowing things that no one else did, could, or would; I realized that as human beings we spend most of our time with our self, know our self the best, yet we constantly leave part of us out of the equation by not acknowledging this other part that truly completes us. The secret twin held mute behind our eyes.  A shadow soul to our truest self only we hear and rarely share with anyone else. This seemed backwards to me, and I needed to find out who I was and what was motivating my behavior.

I kept an ear out for the backdrop of my mind, hearing past the daily noise of life, and embarked upon my internal journey. I reached in with both hands to find the other me. Brushed the hair from her brow to touch her face ever so curious, and empathetically. I needed to be allowed to identify with my life and its actions for what they were and I needed her. My silent partner to self and glue that held me together throughout so many years both good and bad.

I had to ask a lot of questions and sit alone for periods of time to earn the trust of this nakedness. It took baby steps to believe in me and the answers did not always come swiftly. Believe me, the you that has had the sole job of protecting you up to the point where you are ready to go solo is not going to hand over the keys to your unraveling, their unraveling, so easily. We have coping mechanisms for a reason, so we can cope and survive.

Over time my life began to appear to me and I found out who I was and how I became the person I was.  We are tested and pushed at every age and who we become along the way is determined by all the colors, creeds, and decisions we make. I cried when I saw all the pain wrapped in strength and pride that was holding me together.  A deep dark cord of disdain wrapped in a cold beauty around the ghost of a woman I had become, but she had saved, and both survived.  I dropped to the floor in my mind while my knees hit the floor on Earth.  Weeping uncontrollably with this part of me that was me, but I could not identify with anymore. I wanted out.

Instead, I fell deeply in love with her. Thanked her for all of me. I gave appreciation and respect because it is hard work to keep a broken human running. Honestly, when I looked back at what we had accomplished we had been doing the best we could with the only ways we knew how. Right there I decided to accept, cherish, and love the good the bad and the ugly of me.

Internal Narcissus is about loving you first and I mean every part. Even what you perceive as the ugliest because it is you. No one knows you like you. No one can reach you like you, and your life is your gift to behold. You are enough just being the beautiful creature you are shinning in all the hues of your own intention.

Internal Narcissus,

Kellie J. Wright

Words-poem

 

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